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Nothing changes.
He’s really gone. Did I make him happy these past few months? I’ll never know. I only know he’s gone now and it’s all my fault.
Donna calls me, her voice choked with tears, so stunned she can barely form words. “Juliet,” she whispers, “how am I going to live without him?”
My eyes squeeze shut. I don’t know. I don’t know how any of us will ever move on. We weep together until someone comes to get my statement.
I’m led back to a desk, thinking the entire way of the last time I was in a police station. How they quietly blamed me and asked me to sell Luke out over something so much more minor. I think of how they set my brother up to die before he’d even left the building. No matter how nice they seem, I can’t afford to trust anyone.
If I lie and Grady doesn’t, it’ll look like I’m helping Luke cover up a crime. Maybe a really good lawyer could poke holes in that version of events Grady presented…but we can’t afford a really good lawyer.
So, when the cop arrives, I take small truths—that Danny was drinking, that he was jealous of Luke’s board—and spin them into a story about what happened that bears little resemblance to reality.
“I understand Luke and Danny argued,” he says. “Do you know what it was about?”
“I have no idea,” I reply.
Lying comes easily, but I guess it should. I’ve been doing it for years.
* * *
The days leading up the funeral are a blur.
The church has rescinded its offer to support Donna’s mission in Nicaragua and she’s too broken to care.
I sit on one side of her during the funeral, and Luke sits on the other. I haven’t met his eye once.
Afterward, there’s a reception held at the church. Donna is surrounded by people trying to console her and feed her. Libby would like to do the same for me, but Grady is always hovering nearby with a look that frightens me.
He’s only gone along with this because I’m holding something over him. What if he figures out one day that he doesn’t have to be ashamed of who he is? What if it comes out anyway? He wasn’t exactly being careful that night. If he gets caught with someone else, will this whole thing fall apart?
I let my gaze rest on Luke for a moment, that face I love so much. How much further would I go to protect him? I’d go as far as necessary. If I could think of a way to eliminate Grady entirely, I’d probably do it.
The old, bad Juliet is front and center right now, as if she never left. I’ll need her, going forward.
Luke crosses the room to me. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”
Grady is watching. I need to just…get this done.
“No,” I reply. “And stop trying to pull me aside like this. People are already talking about how I followed you when you took that first cliff jump. You’re making me look bad. I’m leaving for LA tomorrow. Don’t call me, don’t text me. This is done.”
All the color leaves his face.
“You can’t be serious right now.” I’ve never heard his voice so hoarse, so empty.
“I will never look at you without seeing what I lost,” I lie, my throat constricting so tight I can barely get the words out.
I take one last look at his shocked, heartbroken face and walk straight out of the reception hall, unable to hold it together for another moment.
I don’t know how I’ll survive without him, but for his sake, I’m going to figure it out.
35
NOW
I was homeless when I moved to LA. The first time a guy tried something in the shelter, I punched him in the throat so hard he reported me. I lied on job applications, shoplifted food, dated a club owner to get gigs, and slept with a producer to get a demo made. I was ruthless and calculating, twenty-fours a day, and I felt absolutely nothing about it.
Something had hardened in me the day I walked out of the church and left Luke behind. It was the moment I gave up hoping I’d ever be good, or loved, or even happy. I decided to simply survive, nothing more. It made things easier.
