Page 50

Maddy was curled into a ball in the center of her bed when I found her. She was still sniffling, and the sight of her made my chest ache with contrition. No matter what was going on, I hated fighting with her. I slipped my shoes off, and crawled in behind her, tucking my arm around her waist.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I was a bitch this morning.”

Her hair brushed across my face when she shook her head. “I shouldn’t have pushed you to tell Alex about your accident, or your Mom. I just want you to be happy, and I like him for you.”

I understood where she was coming from, and I did like Alex, but something was missing. I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

“I think I’m trying too hard to find something that’s not there,” I admitted softly. I started thinking about my journal entries, and how the man I was always writing about made me feel. Alex didn’t make me feel that way.

But Alex was real, and the man in my journals was not. And maybe it would take a little more time with Alex before I started feeling more.

I turned my attention back to Maddy. “Jackson is an idiot.”

She sniveled. “Idiot or not, I still love him. I’m in love with him.”

“Even after what he did?”

“That’s just it,” sniffle, “he says he slept with someone else but I don’t believe him, and then he tells me he doesn’t love me and I still don’t believe him. So what am I supposed to do?”

I wanted to answer her, but I was torn between comforting her with the truth, and keeping how my brother really felt to myself. It wasn’t my place to expose Jackson, but in the same breath I wanted Maddy to fight for him. After everything they’d put each other through, I wanted them to work it out.

“He loves you,” I sighed. “He’s just scared, Maddy. After my Mom…” I trailed off knowing Maddy would understand, even if it took her some time.

“So why not just tell me that? I was there when your Mom died, I felt that loss right alongside all of you. Your Mom was my family too, you’re all my family.”

My throat burned. She was right.

“Just don’t give up on him, please?”

Maddy nodded, and after a while her breathing evened out. I climbed from her bed, made sure she was covered with a quilt, and then headed into the shower. When I’d changed into clean pj’s I crawled into bed, and reached for my phone. There was nothing, and I felt a little disappointed that I hadn’t heard from Alex. Which annoyed me because I not only felt like a yo-yo when I was with him, I was starting to drive myself nuts with the constant back and forth on my part. I could only imagine how he was feeling.

I wasn’t being fair. I saw that.

After sending him a text to tell him we should talk at Kangaroo Care the following day, I put my phone on silent, and without thought grabbed a pen and my journal. The words were in my head, without provocation, and I’d learned it was better not to ignore them. That and I almost looked forward to writing, as if the man in my head was trying to tell me a story. And I listened every time.

I started unbuttoning his shirt, and kissed my way down his solid chest. His breath stuttered, and looked up at him from beneath my lashes.

“Are you sure?” he asked, his eyes ablaze with desire and affection. I was nervous, and when my hands started shaking he grasped them. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”

“I want to.” The quiver in my voice gave away my anxiousness, but I held onto my resolve. “I want this with you.”

He swallowed, and brought his hands up to my face. He lowered his head, and kissed me, slow and torturous. I relaxed, and my body swayed into his. His tongue traced the seam of my bottom lip, and I opened for him, allowing him to taste me. His legs bent, and he lifted me, wrapping my legs around his waist while he walked us to his bed. He laid us down, making me sigh when he settled between my legs.

He pulled his mouth from mine. “We’ll take it as slow as you want.”

“I like this pace,” I replied, slipping his shirt from his shoulders. His hands traveled up my waist, and I lifted so that he could remove my shirt. I sucked in a breath when the cool air hit my nipples through the lace of my bra.

“Okay?”

My answer was to bring my mouth to his. I didn’t want to talk, afraid that if I did, I’d chicken out and I really wanted this. We kissed, and I started moving my hips. I snuck my hand between us, snapping the button of his jeans and then mine. He undressed me. I undressed him. He removed my panties. I removed his boxer briefs. His cock jutted out, reaching up all the way to his navel. My stomach contracted, and I bit my lip. I unsnapped my bra, my breasts heavy. They weren’t the biggest, but when his large palm took ahold of one, I preened at the male satisfaction in his eyes.

“You’re gorgeous,” he told me, his voice thick and gruff. His hair hung in his face, so I reached up and brushed it away.

“You’re not too bad yourself.”

He smiled, and pushed away from me to get a condom from his bedside table. When he came back, he tossed the condom on the bed, and I scooted back until my head hit the pillows. I watched him, the way he moved with confidence and such powerful masculinity. Unlike the other guys on campus, he was all man and the controlled strength in his movements showed it. He crawled onto the bed, and kneeled between my legs. “Hold onto the pillow,” he instructed. “Don’t let go.”

I had no idea what he was about to do, but my stomach was filled with butterflies. I was somewhat self-conscious, so when he spread my legs and looked down at my bare sex I instinctively tried to close my legs.