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I wiped the sweat from my forehead and moved my body to the slow hum of the beat. Halsey performed every song from her ‘Badlands’ album, and the crowd became rowdy because of the energy surging through the smallish club. It was an ‘invite only’ private show and even though Halsey was done performing, the energy in the club was still intense. Alex moved behind me, his hands resting on my hips. His body molded around mine, and together we found our rhythm. After our conversation two days ago, we seemed to be on steadier ground and I decided to enjoy myself. We were spending the night in a hotel in Denver and the thought of spending the night with Alex made me somewhat anxious. I didn’t know if he expected something from me and I didn’t have the courage to broach the topic on our drive here. So I didn’t bring it up, but the more he touched me, the more he moved our bodies together, the more I considered taking things a little further. My body was hot, my pulse thrumming and when the music changed, something inside me did too. I placed my hands on top of Alex’s and slid them up my sides until they stopped at the swell of my breasts. My breathing quickened, and if I moaned, it was swallowed by the music. I was so turned on, alight with a need too intense for me to control, and Alex seemed aware of it. But when his hands moved further up and cupped my breasts, they were no longer his hands. It was no longer his body taking over mine, no longer his breath hitting the side of my exposed neck. And it was no longer his hand sliding down my stomach into the front of my jeans. If it were Alex, I would’ve stopped him, embarrassed by such voyeuristic behavior, but in my mind it wasn’t him.

Instead, it was a dark-haired stranger with green eyes who held me captive, who touched me as if he were as familiar with my body and what it needed as I was. I craved his touch, and the absurdity of feeling so much desire and necessity for someone who didn’t really exist didn’t even cross my mind. Nor did the guilt I should’ve felt over using Alex. Because that’s what I was doing.

I turned my neck, and it was his mouth that sucked at the damp skin, making my flesh pebble. With a trembling hand, I reached behind me and pushed my hand through his hair, and the growl that reverberated in every part of my hyper-sensitive body belonged to him too.

It wasn’t Alex.

Except it was.

And I didn’t want it to be. Not really.

But I turned my head, and slanted my mouth over his anyway, because I needed the release too badly to stop myself. He kissed me back, and I rocked my hips forward when I felt his hand move deeper into my panties. I shut my thoughts off, and focused on the present, allowing my body to respond in a way that was purely physical. I didn’t want my emotions to be a part of it, afraid that I would stop and realize that while Alex was touching me — reverently, but still with his own sense of urgency - I was wishing it was the man who lived amongst the pages of my journal.

I broke the kiss, and found Alex’s eyes.

“Take me to the hotel.” It was a breathless request, and I saw his throat move as he swallowed. We stopped dancing and I faced him.

“Is that what you want?”

I nodded before I could think about it.

Alex took my hand and led me off the dance floor and out the club. It was a short drive to the hotel, and the tension in the car was acute. It rolled off of Alex in waves, and the anticipation was like a living, breathing entity pulsing between us. He parked the car, and as we walked through the hotel lobby, and took the elevator to our floor, I could sense his urgency. He felt mine too, I was sure, but when we walked into the hotel room, he waited for me to make the first move.

And I did.

I threw my arms around his neck, and took his mouth with mine, restlessly moving my hands to slip off his shirt. He unzipped my jeans, and we parted so that I could take my shirt off. My mind was clouded by a haze of reckless impulsiveness and I refused to see anything beyond it. Our movements were rushed, and hurried, and desperate and when we fell on to the bed I’d managed to convince myself I still wanted this.

But it wasn’t Alex’s naked body hovering over mine.

It wasn’t his hands, or his lips.

I hitched my knees up, and swiveled my hips, rubbing myself against Alex’s shaft. He was hard, and a groan slipped from his mouth when I reached between us.

And then he looked at me, his pupils dilated, and the lack of green in his eyes made me stop short.

This was wrong. It was all so very wrong. The entire time that I’d been on him I was imagining someone else. I tried to keep it physical, but my emotions snuck in and I suddenly felt an overwhelming wave of uncertainty. And what scared me is that I was willing to use Alex to satisfy a carnal need, even if it meant giving up my virginity. To a guy I’d only known for a few weeks.

God, what was wrong with me?

Alex sensed my hesitation, and sat back. He brushed his hands through his hair, and expelled a heavy breath.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out.I lifted myself up, and tried to cover up my nakedness but there was nothing to grab. “I thought…”

Alex shook his head, his expression a little embarrassed. “I got carried away. I should’ve realized it was too soon, but you grabbed me and…”

I was pretending you were someone else.

I swallowed, and the urge to cry surfaced. I scrambled off the bed, and ran to the bathroom. Alex came after me but I shut and locked the door before he could reach me.

“Kenzi, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you.”

He didn’t.

This was all on me.

I wrapped the terrycloth robe around myself and sat on the floor, wiping at the tears that rolled down my cheeks. My thoughts were muddled, and when I resized I couldn’t actually remember if I was a virgin or not I cried harder. What was I doing? And how could I so easily disregard how this would affect Alex? He had no reason to apologize, or feel bad, I was after all the one who begged him to bring me back here because I wanted… hell, I had no idea what I wanted anymore. Nothing seemed more complicated right then than trying to figure out what I wanted.

I hung my head, and tried to calm my breathing. I heard Alex moving around on the other side, but couldn’t face him just yet. The fact that he didn’t push me made me feel even worse because he didn’t deserve what I’d done, what I was doing.