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“Oh, so you’re not actually dating then?” Am I? No, I’m not.

“Not really, I don’t think.”

“Too bad, I was working up the guts to ask you to have dinner with me tonight.” Now I feel bad. Like I have rejected her — my kids should be shot for this shit.

“I’ll have dinner with you,” I say out of pure guilt; she’s a nice lady. “As friends, if that’s okay?” Escaping this place before the vultures get me is probably a good idea too.

“Okay,” she says with a smile. I wave at my daughter signaling my departure; I don’t bother looking for the boys, I text them. They can Uber home.

We turned more than a few heads leaving the club together, in my car. I can see the chins wagging as I open the car door for Selene. Tomorrow’s gossip will be how we are getting engaged and I’m off the market or whatever shit the desperate housewives cook up over cocktails tonight. I don’t care — this way they’re not going to try to date me themselves.

“We’re going to be famous by the morning,” she says, as we drive towards the city. It’s a bit late to get a reservation anywhere really good, but I make a quick call to a friend who owns a nice French place.

“It’s sad that’s all they have to do with their lives.” It is.

“They’re a rabid bunch, and you have been in their sights a long time. Rich, young bachelor whose kids are grown—” She looks at me. “You’re the holy grail of second husbands, Kalon.”

“I’m not marrying anyone, not again.”

“They all say that, and then some young woman with fake tits catches them with an accidental broken condom. Careful out there Tindering, you might just get caught in that net.” I have watched many of my friends fall for that over the past ten years. Now they’re carrying diaper bags and pushing strollers in their fifties. No thanks. I had myself fixed after I got three on the first try. I was not rolling that dice again.

“I am a sports model, all the fun and none of the babies.” That makes her laugh. “Not that I’m out there having fun.” Just in case she thinks that’s where this is going to go.

“You’re funny, Kal. Just be careful out there.”

We enjoy dinner, laughing at our children and this awkward phase of life they’re in. Selene offers to help with the party if I need it. She spills the beans about Tala’s boyfriend, the one she ‘doesn’t have,’ and I work to hide the pang of jealousy that someone else knows about it and I don’t. It is as if I’m out with an old friend – it’s comfortable. The conversation isn’t boring small talk or her trying to con me into hotel sex. After dinner and a few drinks, I drive her home, and there’s no weird goodbye or asking me up to her apartment. It’s just over. After the way my day started, at least it has ended on a good note.

When I get home, the apartment is still empty, and I busy myself packing for my impromptu trip tomorrow. It’s only four days, but I make sure I am prepared for whatever may come my way. My bags ready at the door, an Uber booked to drive me to the airport. My finger hovers over that Tinder flame, and I wonder if I could text Channing after this morning. I cannot deal with that shitshow; it’s giving me anxiety. I decide not to even look at it tonight.

I hear the triplets returning, laughter roars through the house. The sound of my kids being home makes this house a happy place. The thought of leaving them unsupervised for four days gives me hives though. I go to have a ‘chat’ with them before I leave.

“Dad, how was dinner?” Tala asks with a shit-eating grin on her face.

“It was nice, I heard all about Richard. We should talk later.”

“Fuck,” she mutters under her breath.

“Excuse me?”

“Sure, Dad,” she says, and I don't miss the tone in her voice.

“So is Selene going to be your date to the party?” Emily asks. I shoot Lycan a glare.

“No, she’s an old friend. I am not dating anyone, bringing anyone to the party — or any other wild ideas you children have cooked up.” I sit down with them in the living room. “I’m going out of town for four days. Please, for the love of God, can you not burn my house down, throw any parties, kill anyone, go to prison, end up in the ER, or impersonate me on the internet while I’m gone.” I feel like it’s a comprehensive list of what not to do. I might still write it down for them, just in case.

“Where are you going?” Tala asks.

“To an auction.”

“To buy stamps?” Lycan rolls his eyes — until he sees his inheritance one day, then he’ll appreciate my stamp collection.

“Yes, there’s a stamp I want and I am going to bid on it.” I am also desperate to escape the humiliation caused by these three ingrates signing me up to Tinder.

“Can we have friends over?” Fallon asks.

“No, go ruin their fucking houses,” I answer. “Did you not just hear what I said?”

“You know, Dad, we are almost adults,” Tala says.

“No, really?” I say. “Then fucking act like it.” I am sure they’ll do everything I said not to.

“You just want to have Richard here while Dad’s away.” Fallon throws her right under the bus.

“No boyfriends in my house.”

“But Lycan has Emily here!” She slams her fist on the table “Double fucking standards, Dad.” She’s not wrong. Daughters are different from sons.

“I haven’t met this man-child. So no,” I reiterate it. “When I am back we can have dinner all together, and if I don’t hate him, we can talk about it.”

“You’re so unreasonable.” She stamps her feet and storms out like she’s three again having a tantrum.

“He’s not bad, Dad,” Lycan says.

“He’s a fucking dick.” Fallon shakes his head and leaves. He’s a bit protective of his sister, but this sounds like more. It’s just me, Lycan, and Emily left in awkward silence.

“My flight is early, I won’t wake you. See you in four days.” I leave the two of them watching Netflix and go to bed. It’s an early morning for me tomorrow, and today has left me exhausted.