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Numb.
That’s all I feel.
Numb.
Empty.
Devoid of anything.
People will say he was just a dog. But if you’ve ever owned a dog, you’ll know that a dog isn’t just a dog. There’s no such thing as just a dog.
They’re your friend, your companion, your constant. Sometimes, they can be the only reason you get up in the morning.
My house feels as empty as I do, like it’s missing something. Someone.
I’ve been here before. On my own. But Paul was always with me. Paul got me through the last time I was left alone. He didn’t leave me. He slept in my bed every night. We went on walks together, ate our meals together. He sat with me while I signed the divorce papers. He was always here, and I never truly felt alone.
Until now.
38
Alice
Gripping the steering wheel, I wonder how many speed limits Smithy and I have broken to get to Owen’s house. My car grumbles as I accelerate. But no matter how fast we drive, it isn’t fast enough.
My mind is a jumble of things.
He isn’t dying.
Romana confirmed this, but I’d had no time to be relieved at this news because….
Gulping hard, I press my foot on the accelerator, nearly driving into the back of Smithy, who seems to be taking a slower pace than I am.
I insisted on following him when he said he was going to drive over to Owen’s, and Smithy put up no resistance, which I’m glad about. I would’ve come anyway. I have to see Owen, though I don’t know what for. I’m not going to make him feel any better. I’m not going to help the situation in the slightest.
I’m not going to bring Paul back.
I’ve never been in a crisis before. Never faced anything like this. My parents are still alive. I haven’t lost anyone close to me, not even a pet, so I have nothing to gauge, nothing to go on, no words of worldly wisdom or advice to impart when I do see Owen. I’ll probably end up making things worse. I’ll do or say something completely inappropriate, or I’ll burst into tears, become hysterical, and start hyperventilating.
But I don’t care.
None of that matters.
I just need to be with him.
Even though he isn’t dying, I’m still afraid. Afraid of what losing Paul will do to him—a man who isn’t in the best place in his life to begin with.
The sky is a blanket of grey, and I can’t help thinking that Owen’s dark cloud has extended across the sky and engulfed me and Smithy and Romana, covered us all in his unfortunate gloom. It strikes me how he lives under this every day. If all he sees is this never-ending greyness, what does that do to a person when there’s no light?
Misty rain frosts my window, and my wipers squeak across the windscreen, disgruntled at having to do some work when the rain doesn’t seem that heavy. I wish I had some wipers for my eyes, something to sweep away the tears that keep accumulating across my vision.
It feels like forever, but also like thirty seconds when we pull into a large driveway. I haven’t been paying attention to where we’ve been going. I’ve been dutifully following Smithy, reliant on him being the one to know the way to go in all of this. But the beauty of the house doesn’t escape me as I stop my car and take in my surroundings.
The house itself isn’t overly large, but it’s stunning in its architectural design. Whitewashed walls with dark windows, clean lines, and angular corners. It’s modern without being stark. Elegant without being fussy. Impressive without being in your face. If a house could represent its owner, then this is a prime example. And the front garden is nothing short of breathtaking.
As I step out of the car onto a gravel driveway, my eyes track the slate walkway leading to the front door, the low-lying shrubs on each side, the rich brown soil that looks like it has an invisible barrier to keep it from spilling onto the path, and two olive trees standing proudly by the door.
It’s so Owen, and this in itself makes me want to cry again, but I pull in a lungful of air and tell myself I have to be strong here. I have to be the one to hold my shit together.
