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“I’m sorry Jimmy is so mean.” Abel’s brown hair fell across his forehead.

“Why’d he leave you alone? I thought for sure he’d beat you into the ground.” I wanted to figure out how I could get him to leave me alone, too.

“His dad works for my dad,” Abel answered, as if that explained everything, and to him it probably did. I nodded, although I didn’t exactly understand.

“I wish I could be brave like you,” I said quietly.

“My grandpa wore these when he was a soldier and my grandma said soldiers are the best kind of men there are. When I grow up, I’m gonna be just like him!” Abel declared, pulling out a chain with two metal pieces on the end with words written across them.

I looked closer.

“What are they?” I tipped my head to the side to study the words.

“She says they’re dog tags.”

“That’s a weird name, but how does it work? Is it like magic?”

“Yeah,” he said, like they were very special.

“I wish I had dog tags to make me brave.” If these things really worked, maybe I wouldn’t be scared at home all the time.

“Why do you need to be brave?”

I’d never told Abel what happened when I wasn’t at school. I tried to tell my social worker, but she’d mostly sit outside with Mrs. Thompson and they’d talk while they smoked cigarettes. I was scared to tell her with Mrs. Thompson watching. She’d always say I was lying again and pull my hair. I hated when she did that. She always got spit on me when she talked and I hated that too.

“I don’t like living with the Thompsons.”

“Why?” His forehead wrinkled.

“Sometimes it’s scary.” I looked out the window as the rolling hills passed by before turning back.

Abel stared at me like he was looking for secrets, and then before I knew it, he took off the dog tags and slipped them over my head.

“You can have them. They can make you brave too.” I wrapped my bony arms around Abel and gave him a tight hug.

“What? Really? You’re the best friend ever!”

“Awww naww,” he mumbled, ducking his head. “Are you going to take a nap, like always? You can lean on me.”

Abel’s cheeks were pink, and I settled into the seat and laid my head against his shoulder. I held the dog tags in my hand, rubbing my thumb across the words until I fell asleep. The last thing I remember thinking, as the rocking of the bus made me fall asleep, was I wanted to be like Abel one day.

Every time I saw him, he made everything better. It was like he was magic. He was a warm light, and it made things not seem so dark and cold. If I could make people feel that way, I wanted to do that more than anything else in this world.

Chapter

Nine

Sawyer

(Present)

A truck door slammed. I flinched, unaware that anyone had driven up, lost in the fog of my memories. I could sense his eyes boring into me before I ever looked up. I clutched the dog tags in my hand for their initial purpose. Bravery. I knew now they weren’t magic, but somehow, I still treated them like they were. His long legs ate up the ground as he stalked toward me. What was he doing here?

The scowl on his face sent a shiver through me and reminded me that I didn’t completely know him. My past told me to make myself small, even though my logical brain told me that I didn’t think I had to fear him. Sure, things were awkward when I dropped off the cookies earlier, but they weren’t unsafe. The headstone dug into my back. My arms were still wrapped around my knees. Previous therapy told me to regulate each respiration to calm my nerves before they completely took over. My brain was racing as to why he was here and why he was furious.

“What the hell are you doing here?!”

I wasn’t sure what I expected, but that wasn’t it. I sank even more into myself if that was even possible. Grief and confusion warred in my mind. I simply wanted to say goodbye to my childhood friend. My throat tightened and the words wouldn’t come. Blood roared in my ears, drowning out his voice. My fingertips began to tingle as dark spots danced in my vision.