Page 24

Seven hours for a five-year-old to sit in an office after probably waiting all morning. I couldn’t let her do that. I didn’t have anything planned other than grocery shopping and trying a new strawberry streusel recipe, but groceries could wait because I always put my kids first.

“I can take her.”

The transportation and drop off for Brooke went smoothly, as expected. Mrs. Bailey had even shared a slice of freshly baked banana bread with me as she shared about her summer garden plans. Technically, I was off the clock after Brooke had arrived, but I stayed and chatted for a few minutes. Mrs. Bailey was one of the most inviting and kind people I’d ever met. She had a slight southern lilt to her voice that made it seem as though you were tucked into a homemade quilt, listening to a cozy audiobook.

Five-year-old Brooke was a round-faced brunette with an unshakable affinity for mermaids. She insisted on calling me Princess Mermaid Sawyer, which I indulged by talking to her as if I was underwater. She giggled uncontrollably, and I loved it.

After running around all week, I found that the drive in rural Rhodes County was relaxing. The Flint Hills rolled past, and the sky was a bright blue with white fluffy clouds. The weather was perfect. There was a gentle breeze, and the fresh air was invigorating. I wondered briefly what Soren was doing.

He’d tried meeting up with me twice, but I couldn’t. I mean, I could, but it was such a battle in my mind. I wanted to get to know him better, but getting to know people deeper than surface level was extremely difficult for me. I thrived on surface level conversations, even though I hated talking about things that didn’t really matter. There was something about him that made me think I couldn’t keep things surface-level with him—like he’d see through my carefully built walls. And that made me feel even more vulnerable than the things I had already shared with him.

I’d told him things I never told anyone, and I didn’t understand why. How did I explain that my fragmented childhood still affects me, even at twenty-six years old? How did I not freak the hell out when he touched me? How did he not see I wasn’t worth pursuing? I mean, that was what he was trying to do, right?

I wasn’t even sure. Talia would curse my train of thought while using her therapist's voice to remind me of my value.

I knew I had value for the work that I did, but sometimes I still questioned the value of me. Not the me who could be charming and calm down intense situations, but the me who became extremely overwhelmed. The me that sat in dark rooms because even the light was too loud. Was I worth knowing? And more importantly than that, if I was valuable, then why was I never wanted? Why was I never chosen? Why had no one ever stayed? Why couldn’t I have been one of those kids that someone cared enough about to adopt?

I had years where I could have been, and it never happened. They’d posted my photo on the adoption website, and no one had inquired to adopt me. I never met potential families, like many of my foster siblings had over the years. I imagined parents scrolling through the website like they were shopping for the perfect child, and somehow I was never what anyone wanted. It all made me sick to my stomach. I’d never had anyone truly choose me first. Sure, Talia was the best friend anyone could ever have, but she had Rob and Ava. I’d never had anyone that was mine. I wondered what it’d feel like to belong to someone. Belonging scared me, but the thought of somehow belonging to someone and then possibly losing them terrified me even more. Walls would keep me safe—they always had.

I once had a foster mom who was convinced something was wrong with me. She had me tested dozens of times when I lived with her. What I knew now was that most likely my trauma responses made her uncomfortable. I’d gotten better at hiding things with age, but, at the time, she had chalked them up to demons, muttering that I needed more prayer. Walking down the long aisle at her church with her clutching my wrist was mortifying, but I went to a happier place in my head and blocked it all out. When we got to the altar, she spilled all of my personal story to a complete stranger while they looked as horrified as I felt. I can still remember the bewildered compassion in their eyes, and that maybe they thought she was acting as peculiar as I did.

Teenage girls should be having crushes on boys, learning makeup, and dancing, but I had been the opposite of all of those things. I avoided men at all costs. I never dated. It wasn’t until I met Talia that she taught me the finer points of skillfully applied makeup. What I hadn’t learned from her, I’d learned online. And I wasn’t coordinated enough for dancing. I was me, and they were them. I didn’t have anything in common with the average woman. If anything depraved or evil could have been done to me, it had been. These were only a few of the reasons I couldn’t be friends with Soren. He was everything that was wholesome, and I was everything that was not.

I was simply a social worker trying to prevent children from experiencing the hell that was my childhood. Maybe if people had second lives, I’d try to get to know him better, but in this life, I was all wrong for a good man such as him. I didn’t particularly enjoy how he saw too much because when he saw all of me, he’d want to leave like everyone else had. Instead of giving him the choice to choose me or not, I made the decision for him. It was a harsh truth to accept that you weren’t worth staying for, but it was simply the fact of my existence. I didn’t have heightened emotions about it. I knew it with certainty like I knew that the sky was blue and the grass was green. It was just another fact of my life.

Without warning, I heard a loud pop and hiss. I hit the brakes, fearing the worst. My Jeep came to a sliding stop as the gravel skidded beneath the tires. Gravel dust flew in the air. Dang!

Chapter

Fifteen

Sawyer

What was it with having issues on the gravel roads of Rhodes County? It was as if they had all united against me. I blew a strand of hair out of my face as I mentally went through the list of people that could help. I’d love to say I knew how to change my own tire, but I didn’t. I had never had anyone teach me. Talia and Rob were gone on a day trip to Kansas City, and my coworkers were already maxed out. And that was the end of my painfully short list. I waited for the gravel dust to settle, unbuckled, and climbed out, already knowing what I would find.

Flat tire on the driver’s rear side. I could call roadside assistance, but who knew how long that would take? My phone remarkably had two cell bars so I could attempt to call for help. I kicked the tire in frustration. A noisy, old gray pickup rumbled down the road, and a gangly looking, thin man rolled down the window. I gripped my cell phone tighter in my hand. Of course, in a small town like this, people would stop to offer to help. Panic gripped my lungs as I took in my surroundings. I was miles away from anyone. My heart picked up speed at the recognition of how alone I was.

“Need any help, darlin’?” the man called out. He smiled kindly, but I knew immediately I couldn’t do this.

“Uh, I have a friend coming!” I called rather loudly, trying to make the lie sound true.

“Alrighty then, didn’t want to leave you stuck out here without stopping to ask.”

He was harmless, but what if the next passerby wasn’t? The only person I knew in the area was Soren. Ugh. Surely, he’d have a suggestion for a mechanic or tow company, even though I despised the idea of asking him for help. I pulled up his number as the man drove away, raising his hand out the window. I locked myself back in my Jeep to text Soren.

Sawyer:

Hi. Is there a mechanic you recommend in the area?

Three dots appeared and disappeared, and then my phone was ringing. Of course he simply wouldn’t respond by text. I took a deep breath and answered.

“Hello.”

“Hey, Sawyer. What do you need a mechanic for?” Straight to the point. What did I expect?

“Something mechanic-y.” Ugh. I was such a freak. Why did I text him?

That tall, thin man was clearly perfectly harmless. He could have helped me, and I wouldn’t have had to call Soren. He gave a small laugh, and chill bumps skated across my skin.