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I don’t tell him it’s fine, because it isn’t, but I know that he’s sorry.

We walk the long way back to my apartment, and I pay little attention to the side streets and houses we pass. I keep turning over last night and the council meeting and losing my memories, unsure of what to do with any of it.

“Stop it,” he says somewhere near the grocery store.

“Stop what?”

“You’ve been running Hazel’s ultimatum on a loop since we left town hall. Your pulse quickens when you get to the end and start over.”

“That’s wildly invasive.”

“Ellery.” He stops walking. “They’re not deciding for weeks. Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it. Right now, I’d rather be here with you.”

How many nights have I given to worrying over something that hasn’t happened yet? Too many. The council will come for us eventually, but it doesn’t have to take today.

“Fine. Okay.”

His fingers fit around mine, and even though he has no warmth to share, I press against his side.

Nick follows me up the stairs to my apartment, standing close behind with his hands resting on my hips. I fumble with my keys, nearly drop them, and finally get them in the lock. My body wants to lean into him, ask him to stay, but I’m also nervous.

“Do I need to invite you in?” He’s never been inside my place. “For you to be able to enter, I mean?”

“No,” he says, with a crooked grin.

I step inside and away from the door, swinging it wide. But he makes no move to enter.

“I thought you didn’t need an invite?”

“I may be able to enter, but I never would unless you asked.”

“This is me asking.”

The door is shut, and he has me pressed up against the wall. And I don’t know which of those came first.

“Whatever happens, I want to be with you, Ellery. For as long as I can.” His eyes search mine. “But I can’t leave here, and you shouldn’t stay because of me or the council, or anything else other than because it’s what you want.”

I know what it costs if I stay and what it costs if I go, and that this might be all we get.

“I’m not asking you to decide anything. But before we get in too deep, I want to be sure this is something you want, even if we don’t get to keep it.”

“I want it.”

His fangs drop. Sharp, vicious things. Longer than I thought. The shape of his mouth changes around them. He turns his face away like he can’t bear for me to see him this way.

I take his chin and turn him back until his eyes meet mine. “For however long that is.”

His hands are under my thighs, lifting me, pinning me higher against the wall, his hips between my legs. Hard through his pants where he presses into me, and I make a sound I’d be embarrassed about if I had any attention to spare. I get an arm around his neck and his head tips down, eyes shut. He breathes me in, slow and deliberate, like he’s taking in all of me at once.

“I haven’t…” The words come out rough. “Since I became this. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t.” His restraint hums under my palms, taut as a wire. “I trust you.”

He kisses me like he’s stopped arguing with himself, pushing my coat off my shoulders to the floor. His mouth slides to my throat, lingers there, right over my pulse. I feel him feel it, the kick of it under his lips, and the sound he makes in response goes right through me. Cool fingers find the hem of my shirt, drifting underneath to skim up my sides, and I grind against him because the want has blown straight past rational thought.

“Christ, Ellery.”

The sunroom. The doorway. The bed. The only thing I’m sure of is his hold on me. He sets me down like I’m made of eggshell.