Page 130

“Well, think about it.” She laughs a little. “The really smart thing to do would’ve been to act horribly. It would’ve been perfect revenge on Liam, and then, when you and Ford broke off your fake engagement, my parents would’ve been relieved he ‘came to his senses’ and ended things. But you were so lovely to all of us! You just can’t help it, can you?”

Well, when she puts it like that, I can see her point. “I couldn’t be awful to you all. That wouldn’t be right.”

“And that’s exactly why I like you so much.” Lydia smiles gently at me. “Look, maybe Ford shouldn’t have lied to us, but we’re all terrible liars in this family. We never could’ve kept the secret. Liam definitely would’ve blabbed, clearly. And Dad would’ve gotten into a huge fight with Ford about it. I can understand why he did what he did. And you have given us a truly lovely holiday season. This was ruined by Liam, not by any of you. And I don’t think you should leave.”

I shake my head. “Lydia, you don’t get it. This isn’t me leaving men who actually want me. This was just sex for them.”

Lydia frowns. “But it’s not just sex for you anymore, is it?”

I sigh heavily. “No, it’s not,” I admit. I hate to say it out loud, but it’s true, and I suppose I need to confess to someone before I officially lose my mind. “It was supposed to be simple. They weren’t supposed to be so wonderful. It wasn’t supposed to get complicated.”

I wipe at my eyes and Lydia passes me a tissue from her pocket. “Look, it’s my fault. They’ve always been clear about what this arrangement is. Whatever… else might happen, with me, in my heart, it’s all on me. I’m an adult and I can live with the consequences of my own feelings.”

Lydia doesn’t look very satisfied with that explanation, but she doesn’t press the issue. Instead, to my surprise, she leans in and hugs me tightly.

I hug her back, too startled to do anything else, and I don’t want her thinking that it’s unwanted. I end up clinging to her, needing her support more than I realized, and she rubs my back, holding me for a long, long time.

“I hope that even if both of my brothers are big enough idiots to let you go, you know that you still have me.” Lydia pulls back, hands on my shoulders, and smiles warmly. “If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to reach out, okay?”

I nod, but I already know that I won’t be taking her up on that offer. It would hurt too much, and I would never want to put Lydia in an awkward position with her family. It’s best if I let her live her life and let myself just be a strange, maybe fond, maybe awful memory in the eyes of this family.

I always knew that this feeling of finding a family wasn’t actually real. Like Clara with her Nutcracker, it was always just a wonderful dream. But that knowledge doesn’t do much to blunt the pain of losing it all.

Especially like this.

55

MAEVE

I’m standing in the bedroom later in the day, debating my options as the dinner hour draws closer and closer, wondering if I should go downstairs or if it’s better to just stay hidden up here.

Before I can make a decision, a quiet knock interrupts my thoughts. Ford pokes his head in, his expression careful. “Hey. You hungry?”

The question sounds so normal, so everyday, that for a moment I almost forget everything that’s happened. But the way he’s looking at me, like he’s not sure what my reaction will be, brings it all flooding back.

“I could eat,” I say. There’s an awkward beat of silence that never used to exist between us, and then he clears his throat and nods.

“Okay, good. Because George and the rest of the Silver Start board have flown down. They want to have dinner with us tonight.”

“Are you serious?” I stand up quickly, my pulse jumping. After everything that’s happened today, they still want to meet? “Why?”

“I guess they’ve made some inquiries and my reputation is better than Liam’s, but they want to meet us all in person, just the four of us, before moving forward. Not at a Christmas party where there’ll be other people, so that we can… make sure we’re all properly on the same page.”

My stomach flips uncomfortably. I feel sweaty and nervous already. “I’m glad that they’ve seen Liam isn’t someone worth listening to,” I say weakly.

Ford shifts in the doorway, not quite coming into the room. “Are you… do you feel up for this? I know today has been⁠—”

“I’m fine. “ I cut him off, although we both know it’s not true. “This is what I’m being paid for, right?”

Something flickers across his face at that. “Maeve⁠—”

“I should get ready,” I say, turning away before he can finish whatever he was going to say. “I don’t want to keep important people waiting.”

“I’ll let you get ready,” Ford says after a pause, then closes the door.

I take my time, putting on the first dress that Gabriel gave me and doing my hair up in as sophisticated a style as I can manage. I don’t wear any jewelry except my engagement ring, although I do put on the embroidered shoes that Hayden gave me, so that I’m wearing one thing from each of the men.

It helps me feel that wonderful sense of wholeness that I felt last night, even if I know now more than ever how it’s just an illusion. It’ll be the last time I get to feel this way, and I want to do it right.