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“You do not need to--to bullshit with me, Jace. I wish you to be honest at all times,” Khoth forced the need out of his voice.

Jace’s desire to learn his own sexuality. He had been deprived for so long to know the simple pleasure of touching and kissing and making two bodies one. But Khoth knew how newness could lead to mistakes. Eagerness could override sense. That had happened to him the first time. He caressed the center of Jace’s back, longing to kiss that same swath of skin.

“Do you understand what I am trying to say, Jace?” Khoth asked. It was not his way to speak in riddles, but he found himself doing so now. The ugly thing that lack of consent was causing his shoulders to twitch. “You need do nothing, agree to nothing, at all.”

Jace hadn’t spoken as he’d done this, but suddenly he was shifting underneath Khoth, turning over. Khoth made to get off of him, but Jace grasped his hips and held him there.

“No moving. No leaving,” Jace said with a faint frown.

“I am not. I do not wish to,” Khoth admitted.

Jace could see his arousal. This outfit hid nothing when the tunic was not on. But Jace, too, was aroused. He guessed that Jace likely knew everything going on in his body. Jace studied him with those steady gray eyes. The pupils were enlarged. His pink lips were parted. Khoth couldn’t help but touch the lower one. Of course, Jace smiled.

“Nice. Feels nice,” Jace murmured. “All of this does.”

“That is good,” Khoth answered, unable to stop touching Jace. This mixture of need and concern and the memories… But everything with Jace felt good. Yet the memories did not.

“You don’t need to worry about if I want this or not--want you--I do,” Jace told him. “And if I don’t like something we’re doing, I’ll tell you.”

“No, you won’t,” Khoth contradicted even as his fingers traced Jace’s jaw now. He loved the faint roughness of Jace’s stubble. Thaf’ell did not have this. It was different and somehow precious.

He is not me and I am not...

Jace’s eyebrows rose. “I won’t?”

“No, because you will not realize all at once. It will be gradual and you will tell yourself that it does not matter,” Khoth stated. “Desire will override that feeling inside of you that cringes away from my touch. You--”

Jace cupped Khoth’s face. His thumbs ran along Khoth’s cheeks. His expression was tender and yet pained. “I would never feel that way with you. You would never do anything that would make me feel that way.”

Khoth swallowed. His tongue was in the way of speaking again. This was not what he meant to say to Jace. The Pilot was not some shrinking flower, some child, but Jace wanted to please those he cared for, even if it was not wise, even if it cost him.

Jace tilted his head slightly to the side as he continued to gaze up at Khoth. His expression cleared slightly, “Oh… something like that happened to you, didn’t it?”

Khoth gave one single nod.

“Your first time?” Jace asked. “Your first lover?”

Two more nods. Why could he not speak? It was long ago and the story would help Jace understand his concerns! But his tongue was intent on not obeying him.

“You were young,” Jace stated instead of asked.

Khoth nodded.

“And they were older. Respected. More experienced than you,” Jace said.

More nods and then he whispered. “He was my father’s colleague. Another Justiciar.”

Jace’s head sank back against the pillows and his gaze went distant. “Oh, God. Your dad’s friend, right? Someone you knew and trusted and--”

“I admired him. He was… is a highly respected member of the courts,” Khoth said. “I do not know why I am speaking of him. It is not important. He is not--”

“He hurt you because you were young and inexperienced and he preyed upon that, I’m guessing. Using your good nature and respect for him against you,” Jace again was stating these things as if he had been there. “And when you realized that I am… new to this, you immediately jumped to your mind.”

His tongue still fought him, but he got out, “I would not have that for you. We will only do what you wish. We will… will never… nothing… nothing like that will ever happen with us.”

He was disturbed by how his memories of Typhon surfaced even as he pushed them down. A flash of that smile. Those hooded eyes. The shame that curdled his Xi. He would never pass this onto Jace.

He found himself saying, “You are the first one since him that I--I allowed myself to… to feel. Sexual coupling is pleasing. This is…”