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“It’s okay, really. Let’s get you inside,” Cass said. The key card was taken from his hand, and a moment later, Cass was guiding him forward again. “I’ve got Bri, and we’ll get both of you inside here, and then I’ll come back for your luggage.”
Ash nodded and continued to shuffle alongside Cass, every step feeling like he was falling more and more sideways. If he didn’t trust they were walking straight, he would assume they were turning, turning, turning. Tilting and falling.
He let out a short breath when they stopped, and he heard a quiet rustling, like Cass maybe set the car seat down.
“There we go, we made it. The bed is right in front of you now. Right here,” Cass murmured softly. And then Cass was shifting them, both of his hands moving to settle on Ash’s waist as he directed Ash to turn. The back of Ash’s knees hit the mattress, and he let out a short breath as he lowered himself to sit on the edge of the bed.
Immediately, he dropped his head down in between his knees and took several deep breaths, trying to regain his bearings. He was vaguely aware of Cass leaving his side briefly, the door to the hotel room opening and then closing, and Cass returning a moment later to set Ash’s luggage down next to the bed.
When Cass spoke again, his voice came from lower and a few feet in front of Ash, like he was squatting down or something. “There’s all your stuff. And Bri is still sleeping. How are you feeling now? Seems like vertigo, maybe? Has this ever happened before?”
Ash started to shake his head and then realized that was probably not a great idea. He did, however, manage to sit up a little, moving his hands to rest on either side of him on the bed. “Uh, no. But, um . . .”
“Sorry, I realize it’s none of my business,” Cass interjected when Ash didn’t finish his thought. “I’m just worried about leaving if you’re still unstable. Or—or not unstable. I mean, unsteady, maybe. Not unstable.”
Ash couldn’t help but laugh lightly at Cass’s fumbled words, and he opened his eyes partway to see Cass’s dark gaze full of concern and compassion. Something inside him rattled and seemed to break, and he sucked in a sharp breath and tried his best to ignore the pain.
“You know, I think unstable might be pretty accurate right about now,” Ash admitted, forcing a tight smile. He closed his eyes as another wave of that same odd dizziness hit him and the throbbing in his head seemed to ramp up another notch. “But, yeah, I haven’t ever had this happen before. Not like this anyway. Um, I just started having migraines a couple of weeks ago. This seems . . . related, probably.”
“Ah, that would explain it, yeah. Do you have medicine or anything?”
Did he? He did, right? But he couldn’t quite think straight, and his brain felt like it was spinning too. “Yeah, but I’m not supposed to take it,” he managed, though the words sounded funny.
“You have medicine you’re not supposed to take?”
He laughed again and looked down at Cass, whose eyebrows were raised in question. It had been a silly answer, hadn’t it? Ash tried for a silly grin to match it, but he was sure it fell far short of the mark. “Yeah. It’s Imitrex. I’ve only taken it once, and it made me really, really sleepy. I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking it and . . . uh . . .”
“. . . and being in charge of your niece?” Cass finished for him.
Ash nodded. “Yeah. Exactly. But I haven’t had to—to be alone when—” His words weren’t working at all, and he shook his head once and then closed his eyes yet again. “I’m glad she’s sleeping now, and maybe I’ll be lucky—” Hah, right. Lucky him. Yeah, he was so, so lucky. “Ah, fuck.”
And just like that, more tears started to fall. He let them, as he had earlier when he’d slipped on the ice and Cass had caught him. Not that he had much control over it. He reached up and wiped his cheeks, and he shook his head one more time, trying to push away the pain of his grief. He couldn’t let it take over right now. He didn’t have the space for it.
A gentle hand came to rest on his shoulder, and it felt warm and soothing in some strange way he really didn’t understand. The bed shifted slightly, probably as Cass sat? He wasn’t sure.
“I can stay, if you need me to,” Cass offered, though there was something in his voice—a reluctance, maybe. Maybe because it was such a weird thing, offering to stay there and help Ash out. They were strangers, after all.
“I-I can’t ask that of you,” Ash mumbled. “I’m sure you have other things to do, and I’ve already taken so much of your time.” But even as he said the words, another low level of panic began to buzz in his chest.
Alone.
The single word brought on an unpleasant wave of sadness that he could barely hide. He forced himself to take a breath, even as his chest ached.
Facing things alone. God, how he didn’t want to. He just wanted everything to go back to the way it was, when all “alone” meant was that he’d have all Joanna’s care-package goodies to himself because Shaina and Ashlynn had both taken off to Los Angeles to attend UCLA while Ash had stayed up in Seattle.
That “alone” he could handle.
This new “alone” . . . it meant something entirely different.
“You can handle this, big brother!”
He heard her voice so clearly in his head, even feeling all out of sorts like he did. He could hear her voice and picture her smile. And god, he could still feel her hug. She gave the best hugs.
What he wouldn’t do for one more. Just one.
“I don’t mind, really.” Cass’s voice was quiet and caring, almost as though he knew Ash wasn’t really present. The hand on his shoulder squeezed lightly. “I’d really rather know you’re okay before I leave.”
Even though Ash knew what Cass meant—that “okay” meant not suffering from debilitating vertigo somehow related to this nasty migraine so he would be safe and could take care of his niece—the words hit a different way. Because in the moment, all Ash could think was how he wasn’t okay and wouldn’t be okay and might not ever be okay again.