Page 190 of Notes of Attraction

“I know.”

Mabel wipes impatiently at one cheek. “She left. Ruth said she couldn’t be with someone whose family would never accept her, and I told her I would fix it, but I never could, and she left.” Her voice breaks fully then. “She was the love of my life.”

I want to leave. This belongs to them, not me.

But Mabel reaches blindly toward the side of the bed, so I put my hand into hers. She grips it hard.

Mom remains in the chair with tears running silently down her face. She’s not arguing. She is sitting with her hands in her lap, and she is taking it. It’s rare for her. She’s a bold strong woman. After all, she’s Mabel’s sister.

“I should have said something,” she whispers. “I should have stood in front of Dad and said it clearly enough that neither of you could misunderstand me. I was afraid of him too, and I let that fear make me quiet when you needed me loud.”

Mabel closes her eyes.

“When he died, I thought he wouldn’t have wanted me at the funeral.”

“I wanted you there.”

“You didn’t call.”

“Because you didn’t answer the emails.”

“I didn’t get them.”

“I know that now.”

Mabel opens her eyes again. “Why didn’t you come and find me?”

My mother looks down.

“Because I was a coward,” she admits. “At first, I thought turning up would be cruel if you had decided you didn’t want to hear from me. I told myself I was respecting your silence.” She swallows. “Then more time passed, and every year made showing up harder. Eventually, pride became easier than admitting I was frightened you would look at me and tell me I was too late.”

Mabel’s hand loosens slightly around mine.

“I thought when Dad was gone, you were finally free to choose,” she says. “And I thought you chose not to choose me.”

Mom’s face crumples.

“I wanted my sister.”