Page 69

“Hey, Ethan,” I started.

He must’ve heard something in my voice, because his tone immediately changed. “What’s wrong?”

“Well, I . . .” Shit, I should’ve taken some of the time I’d spent agonizing this morning figuring out what I was going to tell Ethan.

Fuck it. Might as well lay it all out there. Nothing to lose now.

“I fucked up, Ethan. I fucked up really bad.”

I heard a quick intake of breath, then: “What happened?”

I steeled myself for Ethan’s reaction to this news, but he couldn’t help if he didn’t know what happened. “Tris was at my house this weekend, since the Daddies and Subs Club meeting on Thursday night.”

I could practically hear Ethan’s eyebrows shoot up through the phone, but I pressed on.

“But yesterday afternoon, he just left without saying a word. He hasn’t responded to any texts or calls since he left, and I . . .” My voice broke. “I don’t have his address, but I . . . I need to know he’s okay, Ethan. He’s—he’s important.” I sniffed, fighting back tears.

“Okay, Henry, I can find out if he’s okay. But . . .” He paused. “It would really help if you’d tell me how you fucked up.”

I drew in a breath, wishing I didn’t have to admit my failure to one of the men I admired most. “An old friend called and wanted my help with something. He’s relied on me for a bunch of shit over the years, and despite hating myself for it, I keep agreeing to help him—even to my own detriment. I tried to tell him I was busy, but he’s always so insistent, so I eventually agreed. I think Tris heard and thought I was choosing Carl over him.”

“Were you?”

Ethan’s two-word question hit me like a punch to the gut. “I . . . I didn’t want to. But I didn’t know how to tell him no.”

My friend was quiet, and I knew what he wanted me to admit. So I kept going, confessing the unadulterated, ugly truth.

“And, effectively, by choosing to go see Carl instead of staying with Tristan, I chose him over Tris. I made Carl my priority, not Tris. Because I was a coward who couldn’t say no to a man I barely like, I hurt the man I care about the most.”

Ethan’s sigh was somehow kind, even over the phone. “Yeah, I’d say you fucked up. Now, how are you going to make it right?”

“I . . .” I started, but I didn’t know how to reply, so I kept quiet.

When I didn’t continue, Ethan spoke up. “May I ask you a question, Henry?”

“Sure,” I replied, blowing out a breath.

“Why can’t you let Carl go?”

“Shit.” I whistled. “You don’t pull your punches, do you?”

He chuckled humorlessly. “Not when my friends are hurting. You care for Tris deeply, don’t you?”

I nodded though he couldn’t see it. “I do. It might even be love, given a little time.”

“I can tell. Does he feel the same?”

Now it was my turn to sigh. “I think he could if he let himself. But, Ethan, he’s so fucking guarded. He’s been hurt, and he doesn’t trust easily. He was starting to trust me, but now . . . goddammit, I fucked up so badly.”

“You did.”

We were silent for a moment while I thought back to his question. Why couldn’t I let Carl go? I’d discovered the answer a few weeks ago, and while it wasn’t a good answer, it was the only one I had. “Regarding your question about Carl . . . it’s fucked up, man, but he wants me. Not sexually, of course, but for the things I can do for him. I haven’t been able to find anyone special—until now, anyway—and even Tristan doesn’t want me long-term. Or at least he’s hesitant, unsure. But Carl, he needs me. He wants me, as one-sided as that relationship is. I . . . fuck. I’m fucked up, aren’t I?”

Ethan chuckled again, but not unkindly. “Not fucked up, man. But you need to let him go. Tristan deserves all of you. He deserves to be your priority. And if you can’t give him that, you need to let him go.”

Shit. That was what it came down to, didn’t it? I had to let one of them go. And put like that, the answer was clear—I only had one option.

I might not love Tristan yet, but I was so goddamn close to that. He was more than just important, like I’d told Ethan. He was everything. But Carl? All I had with him was a history of him using me, and I wasn’t about to risk something real with Tristan to cling to a fucked-up relationship with someone who viewed me as an ATM.