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From what I’ve witnessed, Attie has made no attempt to leave this place. Trying to discuss leaving the In-Between with him is like pulling teeth. He always finds a way to change the subject. He’s not aware that I’m scared to go alone, and there’s simply no talking to him about it. I pray that it’s easy, and that it’s quick and painless, unlike my death. A brief crossover, if you will. I’m bound and determined to have something go my way for once.

When night falls, Attie and I don’t sleep. Tomorrow’s a big day, and we don’t have it in us to pretend like it’s not.

“What was your childhood like?” I blurt as we sit on the bed in our room.

Attie skims my body before answering, “Not great. I was in foster care.” He says, hunched over with his hands held together in his lap.

“Shit happened. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m dead and that was a long time ago.”

He waves his hand, dismissing the conversation.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

I’m so uncomfortable now and I ponder my options for conversation.

Attie pipes up, “It’s okay, I⁠—”

I interject.

“Do you still love her?”

I rush out the words before I can filter them. It’s like I’m asking to get hurt.

“Yes,” he scratches at his beard before rubbing the back of his neck, “but it’s not the same.”

I have so many questions, but I wait to see if he speaks on it more. I don’t know why I’m so eager to know this, but I press on anyway.

“I love her, but Ellie is alive and I’m not. There isn’t a future for us. I recognize this. I’ve visited her before—not intentionally—” he holds his hand out in a stopping motion, “but somehow I have and I can only get as close as her bedroom window. If I even consider entering, my spirit evaporates and I end up somewhere else.”

I feel for him, I really do, but I can’t relate. I wonder what it’s like to love someone so much and not be able to be with them. My insides feel sick when I think about not being with Attie.

I love him.

“Attie, I–” is all I can choke out. I want to tell him how I feel, but hearing about his love for Ellie deters me from the inescapable heartbreak.

“Yeah?” he asks curiously.

“Never mind.” I say quietly.

Before we realize it, it’s morning. I pace the room, waiting for Attie’s instructions. A hand grabs me firmly by the nape of my neck and spins me around. Attie loosens his grip as he presses a tender kiss to the tip of my nose.

“You’re all right, princess. Please remember that all of this is for you. I would walk to the ends of the earth for your happiness, for your freedom, for your peace. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. This is small in comparison.”

I want to cry at his words, but I stuff everything down inside me and simply nod instead.

I’m dying to be saved.

CHAPTER 26

ATTICUS

Jake is still in bed. Not surprising, as it seems like that’s all he does, really—sleep, piss, drink until he passes out, and repeat. I guide Lyric to the bed and have her get on the opposite side of me, the two of us facing each other across the way. I pull out my pocketknife and toss it to her. She catches it coolly but appears to be confused.

“I’m gonna roll him toward me, and when I do, you’re gonna slice the mattress where he was sleeping, uncoil and straighten one spring—just the tip, though. When you’re done, I’m gonna roll him on top of it and you’re gonna return my knife. Sound good?”

It takes her a minute to answer me, and I gesture for her to hurry along.

“Sure… yeah, I can do that. Sounds good.”