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“Bellerose.” Sensi waved a hand at me during morning practice one day when the sun was high. “You’ll be given the opportunity to raise ranks if you win a fight with Utsav,” he announced.

I nodded confidently. Taking Utsav down was going to be easy. He had only been here for three months and hadn’t progressed much.

But only minutes into the fight, he easily gained the upper hand.

He was weaker, but he was still able to knock me down. Fury flooded my blood as I struggled against his hold, but he had me pinned in a perfect grip. And the more I struggled, the tighter his hold got, cutting off my blood.

“Enough,” Sensi announced, and Utsav let go. I fought the frustration as we both bowed down to each other, completing the fight. Sensi said it was humble and a respectful act, but it felt nothing like it. What was so humble about a fight anyway? A fight was a fight.

“Why did he win and I didn’t?” I demanded an answer from Sensei, out of breath.

“Go reflect, and you’ll find the answer,” Sensei said in his usual tone. I bit my tongue, glaring at him while he barely even spared me a glance. I knew if I spoke against his request or didn’t take it with dignity, I would only get more punishment.

So I simply bowed and headed down to the room of silence, my fingernails digging half-moons into my palms.

The others didn’t approve of me. They said I didn’t belong here, and it only made me want to prove them wrong. So the harder I tried, and the harder I failed, the more furious I got. And I would be sent to the room of silence.

The room of silence was pure torture. It was a simple shack at the edge of the island, surrounded by the forest. The room itself was airy and subtly lit with warm wooden floors, but nothing about it made me happy.

Just minutes there would feel like losing your mind.

The quiet would kill you from the inside out, and I found myself there more often than I liked. Some days I was to sit there for hours, days, or even weeks at a time. Sensi insisted I go there every time I asked him anything or went against his word.

At first, just being in that room felt painful, but as the years passed and I spent more time there, the wild thoughts in my head disappeared, and I found a certain stillness that I couldn’t shake.

It was anger that fled my body first.

Then slowly, the answers came to me.

I grieved, raged, cried, mourned, and found fleeting happiness till the cycle continued over and over again till there was nothing left of me.

I shed and shed until my skin, bones, and soul became renewed altogether. The fire I burned with when I first came here was all but extinguished with no return.

It was like I had been birthed anew.

After the realization that the past and the future could never control me, I learned the art of detachment. And suddenly it felt like I was looking at this world through a brand-new lens.

Within the next seven years, I quickly rose in rank to S-class and excelled in every combat. Nothing held me back anymore. Not even myself.

I felt the calm I didn’t know I was searching for. Only now that calm was now me.

One fine afternoon on a late summer day, Sensi called me to meet him in his chambers.

“It’s time for you to finally go home, Bellerose.” Sensi turned to me with a small smile. “You’re ready.”

With a slight nod, I accepted my duty.

“I know the answer now, Sensi,” I said, leaning forward on the rails, my eyes finding his. “There was never one, was there?”

A slight smile curved his lips. He knew exactly what I was asking about.

But he nodded. “You surprise me, Bellerose. I thought you wouldn’t last more than a month, but here you are, eight years later. My best disciple.”

The older me would’ve boomed in pride at that, but I was simply grateful to be acknowledged by him. “What made you choose me?” I asked, curious. I was so unlike the other recruits here. They all had a clear purpose and drive, while I came here for all the wrong reasons.

“You showed something that reminded me of myself,” he said, patting my shoulder. “Resilience. Hold on to that.” And with that, he walked away, arms folded behind his back.

I smiled, my eyes shifting to the deep blue waters that I wouldn’t be seeing again.