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She squeezed that hard thigh of his a little, and leaned closer. “It was ugly. It seemed like there was no end in sight. And we had to just accept that. We had to live like we were just out there in the sea of it, never to return. So that was what we did.”

And she could see on his face that he was already feeling guilt for the glib comment. He rubbed his hand over his eyes, and blew out a breath. “Raemy...”

But she wasn’t done. “The thing about grief is that you can’t rush it. If you try to deny it, or push it away, or try to rationalize your way out of it, it’s just going to take more from you. It’s going to sit on you and flatten you until it’s done, and what I’m trying to tell you is that my parents and I let it.” She sat back a little, and her heart ached for the way he was all but hanging his head as he sat there next to her. “And that’s not to say that it’s gone forever. Because it will never be gone. Because my wonderful little brother—who used to chase me with caterpillars in his hands and called me outrageous nicknames that I will never repeat, and who was tender and lovely and left me part of his Halloween candy under my pillow because he knew I liked Mounds Bars more than he did—is gone.” It was still hard to say things like that without her breath catching. She let it. “And I like thinking of him as a hero, but that’s not who he is to me. It’s part of it, sure. But mostly, he’s just William. And I miss him. And I will always miss him.”

Beside her, Noah stirred as if he was about to mount a counter to that.

Raemy kept going. “Allowing myself to feel every contour of that is why I’m okay. I’m not glib. I’m okay, Noah. And I don’t think that you are.”

Now he was shaking his head, his eyes gone dark again.

“William is just one of them,” he said in a low voice. “But he was... It’s what you said. He was too...”

But it sounded like he was too anguished to continue.

“You don’t have to tell me all the things that are in your head,” she said quietly, still keeping her hand on him, because maybe she was grounding them both. “Do you think that I don’t know that you wake up in the night? I can’t imagine what it is that you’re seeing in the dark. In your head. But, Noah. You don’t have to live like this. Do you know that?”

He stood then, and actually, Raemy was surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. She was surprised he’d let her offer him anything that was even remotely like comfort.

She stayed where she was, and watched him vibrate with that tension of his that was never far from the surface.

“I shouldn’t be laying all of this on you,” he said darkly. Filled with that same intensity. “You’re already carrying enough.”

“Noah.”

“The facts are pretty simple. I’ve taken advantage of you and it has to stop. I told myself a story about how if it was temporary, it wouldn’t count. But it does. It counts anyway.” He raked a hand over his face. “But if you’re really going to move here for good, that’s it. It’s done.”

Raemy wasn’t much of a yeller. Her job had always helped with that. Kids responded better to calm than chaos, and she’d been teaching them so long that it rarely occurred to her to yell anymore. It had turned into a life skill, this ability she had to keep her cool in almost every possible scenario.

Though right now she was reconsidering that.

She pinched her nose and fought to stay centered. Calm. In control.

Because on some level, she thought he wanted her to flip out. It would prove something. It would allow him the comfort of thinking he was right.

“Let’s make sure that we have all the facts on the table before we come to any conclusions here,” she said, aiming for something like serene and ending up neutral. Okay, maybe it was more aggressively neutral than anything else.

She waited for him to turn back and look at her from where he was pacing a trail from her door to her window. And again, it made her ache, because he looked so determined.

And so lost.

Raemy wanted absolutely nothing more than to curl her body around his, hold him tight, and somehow kiss away all the things inside him that hurt him.

But first, she had to lay on a little more of that pain—well. What he would no doubt consider pain.

“Are you finally willing to admit my responsibility in this?” he asked, sounding both hollow and vindicated.

Like this was the terrible moment he’d been waiting for all this time.

The ways she felt soft and tender for this man almost knocked her over.

“It’s much worse than that.” Raemy shook her head, sadly. “I am staying. I do plan to live here. I don’t have any intention of breaking up with you, however. Would you like to know why?”

“No,” he said shortly.

“I think you need all the facts, Noah. That’s only fair, right?”

“I can think of a few clinical reasons—” he began.