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Elizabeth shifted to look him in the eyes.
“Truly?”
“Yes. I was all but forced by my father to go to an establishment which catered for gentlemen in my situation. I was 20 and she was perhaps five years my senior. But I did not avail myself of such women again. I saw too many acquaintances catch the French disease. Some were trapped into loveless marriages. Then there were my own circumstances, suddenly the guardian of my 10 year old sister. If I had made it a priority then it would have been easily managed but I chose not. Here we are eight years later and we are going to learn to be man and wife together.”
Darcy had often considered kissing Elizabeth senseless. Now his own sanity started to slip away under her passionate kisses. 12 minutes later Elizabeth’s head was once again resting on his chest, a sheen of perspiration upon his body.
“May I ask you when you started to think about this moment?”
“You mean imagining myself in your arms?”
“Yes.”
Remembering Claire’s admonition to talk to her husband Elizabeth thought about the question.
“Let me take it much further back. I am not going to endlessly recount my experiences while assisting my uncle, but I do think they had an impact on me. By the age of 18 I knew more than any maiden should about the physical act. Or at least I had heard more. Yet at the same time I became more and more disillusioned with men due to their unthinking dismissal of me just because I was a woman. By the time I returned to Longbourn last year I only respected two men, my two uncles. This is the starting point for our courtship. And it may explain my part in not realising that we were courting. For more than two months I enjoyed your company, I looked forward to it. But it was your respect, intelligence and good looks in that order that I enjoyed. Even at Easter I did not imagine myself in your arms. You would not look at me as your bride and I did not think any man would respect me enough.
“But then your aunt turned up shouting from the rooftops. The two of us were a well laid fire just waiting for a spark, and she was that flame. But from there things started to change for me. I do not know when but I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun. One day you hugged Georgie and I found myself jealous. The idea of being embraced in your arms held great appeal.”
Darcy laughed loudly.
“I can confess to the exact same emotion and with the same person. I too was jealous of Georgie for having the freedom to hug you without censure.”
Elizabeth joined in his laughter.
“That was the start of it. For the last month, this evening has been on my mind. Not constantly but it was a daily consideration.”
She stopped for a moment.
“May I confess something and you not think me wanton?”
Darcy’s squeeze of support and comfort strayed close to a caress. Precisely the right response.
“For the last month, I have admired your physique.”
Given Darcy had been admiring Elizabeth’s physique for eight months this was hardly the most scandalous admission.”
“There is nothing wanton about that.”
“Thank you for that William, but it confuses me. When I watched the tournament when I thought about the men it was words like strong, or skilled, or nimble. Yet in the last month I found myself staring at you and admiring your broad shoulders. Yes, you are strong, but that is not the word I thought of. Maybe it is too much time with my younger sisters but suddenly you had rugged and manly shoulders.”
“You found me physically attractive?”
“Yes. But it seems so different to how I had viewed men before that point.”
“Is it just a more gradual example of how you are expected to change from one night to the next? Is it your mind starting to prepare you for this moment?”
“Oh. Once we were engaged how I perceived you changed?”
“It is my immediate response. Like you, I had never considered it before.”
“Did your admiration change William?”
Elizabeth’s head was buried on his chest and Darcy ruefully smiled. Time to confess some sins.
“Please do not think ill of me Elizabeth but I have admired your physique for many months.”
Her head popped up.