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Regret churns my stomach instantly, quicker than it does for most people. I learned a long time ago that the bleeding heart in my chest only made me more disposable to people, my deepest weakness.
Holden huffs a breath, and I manage to look up to where he’s stepped away. Head bowed. Hurt in his open expression. But he doesn’t say anything and neither do I.
And then he’s gone, bathroom door swinging behind him.
• • •
Holden is already seated at the table when I find him again, fingers tapping away at the wide round table with a pretty blue floral setting. It looks familiar.
I check the place cards, seeing Holden, then myself—with Lily on my right and Carson next to her.
I blow a breath and shake my head, sinking into the seat next to my best friend.
“You switched the name cards.”
Holden rolls his eyes, arms crossed. “Yeah. I was gonna switch them back, since you’re being an asshole but—”
“Didn’t have it in you?”
“You just got back here too fast.”
We both know that’s not true. I take a long gulp from the still glass of water near my place setting, then turn in my seat to really look at him.
“I’m sorry.”
He waves me off. “It’s fine. It’s whatever—”
“No, Holden, listen. You’re the only person who knows me like this, okay? I’m—” I cut myself off and try to clear the thick emotion from my throat. “I’m sorry that I’m such a shitty friend. I’m not trying to shut you out. I just . . . can’t.”
Holden’s smile is full up with sadness. He puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Lily loves you. To an obsessive level, I think. Fuck her dad. Fuck the preppy asshole. Fuck it all. Do you want to be with her?”
“You know that I do,” I grumble, avoiding his eyes.
“Then what the hell are you doing?”
Wanting Lily has never been the problem. I’ve wanted her since before I could understand the concept. The first time I saw her, I wanted to hold her. To protect her. I spent my entire life just hoping that at the end of all the pain of each day, she was who I’d be with. We lived in haunted houses, full up with ghosts that made us unwanted. Except to each other.
The problem was where my ghosts wanted desperately to get rid of me, hers wanted to sink their claws deeper, to never let her go.
No, wanting her isn’t the problem. It’s knowing that I can want her for the rest of my entire life and never hold on to her properly.
All those things I said to her, about signing a deal with her fiancé, of following her around, of haunting her—none of it was exaggeration. I would, if it meant even one brush of her knuckles against mine at a Christmas party or charity gala once a year.
If I have to long for her the rest of my life, so be it. Because I know she’ll long for me too.
“Why don’t you ask her that?” I’m being snotty, voice bitter as I drink the rest of my water. It’s warm now, but it doesn’t soothe the burning in my throat. “She’s the one with a diamond on her finger.”
“Have you even bothered asking her if that’s what she wants?” Holden’s face tenses as he leans in closer. “I mean, god, Tor—I get it. I can’t imagine how painful that moment was for you, the way he caught you off guard. But it’s been a week. And maybe that’s not long enough, but maybe it should be.”
“What do you mean?”
“Lily clearly loves you. You know that. I know that. Her own damn father knows that—and yet, you just, what? Think she suddenly wants to marry this asshole?”
My mouth parts, but nothing comes out.
“Why? Think about it. You know her. Fuck everything else. You know this girl. Why do you think this is happening? What do you think Lily really wants?”
I don’t get a chance to respond, as our table becomes too crowded.
