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She sips her coffee and watches me over the rim.
"Okay," she says.
"No, that's not how I'd describe it."
"I don't have much going on today. How about you get out for a bit and let me hang out with my favorite grandchildren."
"They're your only grandchildren, Mom."
"And they're my favorites."
Underneath the not-knowing is something colder. I told him from the beginning I didn't expect anything. I said it so many times I practically made it a rule. But somewhere along the way, I stopped following my own rule.
I pick up my keys.
“I’ll take you up on it. I’m going to run out to Sabal Point for an hour."
"Then go shopping or something. We have plenty of frozen breast milk, so don't rush home."
I kiss her on the cheek, slide on my flip-flops at the door, and walk out.
At Sabal Point, Hildie, the grown-up one, not my child, is in the chair by her window. She has her blue cardigan on over a white blouse, hands moving in her lap, smoothing an invisible hem.
She looks up before I knock.
"Mackie," she says as clear as day. If I didn't know better, I'd never guess she has dementia. "Where are those babies of yours?"
"With my mom. She insisted, so I rushed out of there before she could change her mind. I needed a break"
"Good. A person needs a break every so often." She waves at the other chair, then changes her mind and pats the arm of her own. "Come here. Show me some pictures."
I pull my phone out and crouch beside her. She takes it in both hands and holds it out at arm's length.
"That's Graham," I say. "And that's Hildie."
She goes through them one at a time. Her thumb never touches the screen. She only moves her eyes.
"Which is which again?"
"Graham's the one in the blue. Hildie's got the little pink hat."
"She's got your chin, Mackie.”
Carson said the same thing.
The clothespin angel is still on the windowsill, the paper wings gone soft at the edges. Somebody props it back up every time it falls over.
"You still enjoying my Carson?"
I stand up sit down on the windowsill.
"I don't hear much from him lately. I know he's busy, but I miss him."
"I dated a rancher once."
"You did?"
"For a while. He was always late." She smooths the edge of her cardigan. "Cows didn't care what plans we'd made."