Page 31
Elizabeth had been thinking about this, in fact, since the supper at Netherfield Park when he had silenced Mrs Pearce. It was the latest vignette in her collection of him, fitting alongside the way he spoke to his sister, his steadiness in the study, and the things he said when he was not being careful. What she had assembled was a picture that differed from her original sketch in almost every respect.
She had thought Mr Darcy proud. She still thought him proud, in the way that people who care deeply about doing right are sometimes proud. But what she had taken for contempt, she now understood was something else. He moved through social situations with the tension of a man who is perpetually aware of how things can go wrong, who is watching the angles, accounting for the consequences, always mindful of potential damage.
What he feared, she had concluded, was harm. Only, not to himself. That was the part she had missed entirely.
Elizabeth thought about the study, and how his first instinct had been to protect her reputation rather than manage his own. She thought about the engagement, and the deliberate carefulness of everything he had offered her since. She thought about Georgiana Darcy, watched over with a carefulness that could not be due to a guardian’s pride, but only to a brother’s love.
All things considered, it was the picture of someone exceedingly careful. She was not sure what to do with the revision of her opinion of him.
They had fallen slightly further behind Jane and Mr Bingley, who had rounded a bend in the path and were temporarily out of sight. The path here ran along a low ridge with the park falling gently away to the left, the grass pale and stiff with the last of the frost that had not yet released itself to the morning. It was quiet. The air was clean and cold. Elizabeth had her hands in her muff and was feeling, with some surprise, that she did not want to be anywhere else.
She was watching him obliquely, in the way she had learned to watch people when she wanted to see them rather than the performance they were giving. Mr Darcy was looking at the park, or at Mr Bingley and Jane visible now again at the path’s next turn, and his expression had the quality she occasionally caught in it when he thought himself unobserved.
He looked burdened, Elizabeth thought suddenly. He looked like someone carrying something that had been heavy for a long time. Someone who had stopped noticing the weight because it had become simply the condition of moving through the world.
She wanted suddenly to ask him what it was, but did not. Whatever surprising camaraderie might exist between them, Elizabeth did not think she had the right.
They turned along a narrower section of the path, where the gravel thinned beneath a scattering of fallen leaves. Concealed beneath them was the edge of a tree root that had been edging its way to the surface for several winters. Though it was now half a hand’s breadth through the gravel, it was almost impossible to spot, and Elizabeth did not. Her boot caught it squarely, and she went forward with sudden, irreversible momentum.
Mr Darcy’s hand was at her arm before she had fully registered the stumble, and then she was upright, her balance restored, with his hand still on her arm and their faces, by the mechanics of the catch, closer than they had been since the study.
“Thank you,” she said, a little breathless.
“Are you hurt?”
“Only my dignity.”
He did not let go of her arm immediately. She felt his grip with the unhelpful acuity she had developed in recent weeks for any physical proximity between them. Elizabeth was very aware of the warmth of his fingers through the fabric of her sleeve.
Still, he did not release her. Instead, his grip shifted slightly as he helped her regain her footing fully. His hand slid down to hers, steadying her palm for just a moment longer than strict propriety required.
Elizabeth looked down. She could not help it. His hand was warm, strong, and very much still there.
Mr Darcy appeared suddenly aware of the same fact. He released her at once. “My apologies.”
“No apology is required.” She adjusted her muff, and they began walking again, carefully maintaining the space between them.
Elizabeth said nothing. Mr Darcy said nothing. The path continued through the grounds, and the wood pigeon resumed its commentary. Mr Bingley’s voice reached them from the front of the party, and Elizabeth looked at the bare trees and thought about what it meant that the engagement felt significantly less like a prison than it had when she had first agreed to become Mr Darcy’s wife.
A dangerous comfort. The phrase arrived unbidden in her mind, something at once true and inexplicable, and refused to leave.
She had not chosen this. The engagement had not been fairly made, and the question of what it was and what it might become was a question she was not yet equipped to answer. But Elizabeth was aware, walking in the pale winter light with Mr Darcy’s footsteps beside hers, that the honest answer to the question of what she wanted was different now than it had been at the outset.
There was no more time to consider the notion, however. Only a few paces farther on, the path rejoined the main drive. Jane and Mr Bingley were waiting for them there with a remark about the cold, and they all agreed to return to the house.
They were back inside within twenty minutes, shedding coats in the entrance hall, and Elizabeth had her composure in order by the time they reached the drawing room.
Miss Bingley was by the window. She seemed to have been watching them, and she turned when the party came in with an air of bright inquisitiveness.
As they so often did, her eyes went first to Mr Darcy. Then to Elizabeth. Then back to Mr Darcy with a speed that the width of the room might have concealed from anyone who was not watching her watch them.
Elizabeth saw it, but was not sure what it might mean.
Whatever Miss Bingley found in the survey, she did not seem to like it. The brightness of her expression did not diminish. It was, if anything, fuller, more deliberate, in the way of something reinforced against pressure.
“I have you have all had a pleasant walk,” Miss Bingley said, her smile carefully charming. “But I confess I have been quite worried for you! Was it not dreadfully cold on the ridge?”
“Quite brisk,” said Mr Bingley happily, moving toward the fire.