Page 108

It takes me a second to stop my voice from shaking.

“I think maybe if I could go back, I’d pick differently,” I say. “But I didn’t even understand what cheating was back then. I just didn’t want to leave the ranch. And I still don’t… Oh, God, this is so confusing.”

“Nobody blames you,” she says. “And if they do, I’ll deal with them.”

Smiling, I wipe my face hard.

“Is this why you’re so scared of getting involved with Coen?” Mom asks.

I nod. “I guess Dad’s baggage kind of turned into mine.”

She wraps an arm around me and hugs me hard. “God, sometimes, I wish I could beat that man up. I forgive him, I do, but he’s such an asshole.”

I laugh. “Yeah, sometimes, he is.”

She pulls back, turning me slightly so I can look in through the window. Coen and Hugh stand at the counter, talking about something that clearly engages them both. My heart softens, and warmth seeps in. It melts some of my fear to see them getting along.

“I never had any doubt with Hugh,” she says, arm around my shoulder. “He just…felt like coming home.”

My breath hitches.

“Does Coen feel like that for you?” she asks.

I have to swallow back another lump. “Yeah,” I manage, the tears falling again. “He does.”

“Then take a chance, sweetheart. You’ll figure it out.” She pats my arm. “And don’t put your father’s sins on Coen’s shoulders. I had to go to therapy for a long time to learn not to do that to Hugh. Every person gets a blank slate.”

My heart thumps in the stillness following that statement.

Every person gets a blank slate.

Could Coen be my new beginning? Because no matter if we have to fly around the country constantly just to see each other, I want to give this a real try. Sitting in his truck and seeing him behind the wheel was the safest I’ve ever felt. I don’t want that feeling to ever end. I want to wake up to it, to feel his arms around me, to go to sleep with my head on his chest.

I wipe my face and take a shuddering breath. “And if it doesn’t work out?” I manage.

She smiles, but I see a flicker of something else in her eyes, something that’s been in her head, maybe in her heart, for years.

“It didn’t work out for me,” she says finally. “I survived it. I made my peace with it. Now, I took all the good I could out of that situation, and I kept going. My life is so good, but of course, I have regret. I still have things I carry around with me every day from that. I do…I do wish you had grown up with me. I do, but I don’t regret not doing it, because your choice was important.”

Oh God, here come the tears again. She takes both my hands.

“I was hoping now that you’re grown, you’d come more often. Maybe stay a summer,” she says.

“Yeah, I could do that, I think.”

My voice shakes. She squeezes my hands hard and swallows hard. I know she’s trying not to break down, so I’ll swallow back my tears too.

“But for right now, honey, we should go inside and have some dinner. Then, you have Coen book you a couple plane tickets back to Wyoming.”

I open my mouth, because I need one more bit of reassurance. Then, I close it, because she’s already said everything she needs to say. It wouldn’t matter what Coen did for a living. My hesitation isn’t over him; he’s done nothing but throw up green flags from the very beginning. This is about me, still a scared girl deep inside, grasping at something certain. There’s no certainty in love. It’s a leap of faith every single day. The only thing I have is him right now, telling me he wants to give this a chance.

That’s enough.

I squeeze her hands back. “Thanks, Mom.”

My voice cracks. She hugs me close, putting an arm around my waist and pointing me in the direction of the door. We go back inside, and I slide out of Mom’s arms and into Coen’s, letting him kiss the top of my head. Faintly, I’m aware of Mom and Hugh pouring more wine and bickering good naturedly.

I shut my eyes tight.