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No, she had to stop thinking like that. That was the panic talking, not her reason. Of course, Cadell would not become a monk, what was she thinking? He had promised he would come back and she trusted him. He had come back the last time, he would come back this time as well. In the meantime, she would ensure that Bryn Glas was fit for living. Now that she had finally earned her people’s respect, she was able to act as mistress of the place. Throwing herself into the task would be the best way to distract her by day.

By night, she would just have to find a way to calm the fire in her body.

Three days after Christmas Day, in other words, four months after Cadell’s departure, Efa’s travail began. Johanna was told as soon as she entered the great hall to break her fast that morning, as she’d requested. Upon hearing that the maid’s pains had started in the middle of the night, she sent for Mistress Ffion, the midwife from the village, to see to her. Everyone at the castle held their breath that day, none more so than Johanna, who relived the anguish-filled birth of her own son in agonizing detail. And then, to her profound relief, after almost a whole day, the baby came, its first cry piercing the late afternoon peace.

Johanna felt that cry deep in her bones. A live child had been born.

Everything was fine.

She allowed herself to finally breathe and sat in the folding chair by the fire, tightening her cloak around her shivering body. Up until that moment, she had only been able to pace the hall in agitation. A moment later, Richard walked through the door. He appeared awe-struck and disheveled, just like a new father ought to be.

“Here she is,” he said, nodding to the neatly wrapped bundle in his arms. “Mistress Ffion is seeing to Efa, so I thought this would be a good moment to introduce our daughter to you. We called her Siwan.”

Johanna stilled because she had recognized the Welsh form of Johanna. There could be only one reason for this choice of name.

“You named her after m-me?” she stammered, too shocked to say anything else.

“Yes. It seemed only fitting. Without you, I would not have been there to welcome her into the world.”

This was so moving she had no idea what to say. And then she knew, because it felt wrong to get all the benefit of the lovers’ reunion. “It was not only me. Cadell helped as well.”

Yes. Cadell the resourceful, who had brought the man to Castell y Ddraig to be cared for before he could bleed to death, Cadell the generous, who had helped her at Bryn Glas without ever expecting any reward, Cadell the selfless who was even now scouring a foreign country to help a woman he didn’t even know, Cadell the passionate, who had made her body explode in pleasure without ever taking her.

She nodded, fighting tears. Would that he had been here to meet this baby with her. The child was also his triumph.

“Yes,” Richard agreed, “Cadell would have been a good choice but, as you can see, our baby is a girl. So Siwan it is. Not to worry. The first boy we have can be called Cadell.” He spoke with absolute certainty, as if he knew that he and Efa would go on to have many children and a happy life together. This certainty was beautiful to see. “Would you like to hold her, my lady?”

Johanna could not refuse, even if she knew this would be very hard for her. It was the first time she would hold a child in her arms since the birth of her son, the son who had never even taken a breath. She held out her arms.

As soon as she felt the little body settle against her chest, an unbearable weight crushed her insides. Everything started to unravel. The pain of her shocking loss, of the endless waiting, of uncertainty and solitude, the pain of Cadell’s absence. It was all too much.

“I’m sorry, Richard,” she said, handing him the baby back. “I wish you, Efa and little Siwan all the happiness in the world but forgive me, I just need…a moment.”

She ran out of the door and into the bailey, then climbed the ladder leading to the battlements, which had become her refuge these last few months. More than ever, she needed to feel the wind in her face and a moment alone, away from it all, to calm herself down. Holding little Siwan had made her see all that she had lost. Her son, her husband, and perhaps now Cadell as well.

No, she repeated to herself, as she did ten times a day, he had promised he would come back and she trusted him to honor his word. She had to, for fear of going mad. He was sending regular news of his progress, which proved he had not abandoned her; she just had to wait a little bit more, that was all. Surely in the new year, another letter would arrive, announcing his arrival. Or perhaps he had decided to wait until the roads were drier in the spring to ride back to Wales. Yes. That would make sense.

Angrily, she wiped her tears away. What a fool she really was. She had to trust in him, in them. What they had could not end now.

When she finally had herself under control, Johanna went back down to the bailey. The day was not quite over yet, even if night was falling, and there was still plenty to do. As she was stepping off the ladder, she heard a horse trot over the drawbridge. Could it be…? No. She forced herself to remain calm. Every time she had heard a horse in the last two months, she had hoped to see Haearn. And every time she had been disappointed.

Still, she couldn’t help but look to the gate to see who the visitor was. And, as if in a dream, she watched Cadell, astride his white stallion, ride through the gate in the glow of the dying winter sun.

The rush of emotion surging through her was so powerful that Johanna wavered on her feet. This, occurring just after her meeting with little Siwan, was too much. It was just like it had been for Efa a few months before. The relief of seeing the man she loved come back to her was overwhelming. Thankfully, unlike Richard had been, Cadell didn’t appear harmed. He was looking his usual, glorious self.

He jumped down from the saddle, threw his reins to the groom who had come running as soon as he’d heard the rider’s approach, and looked at her for a long time. Then, while she remained rooted to the spot, he ran to her, stopping just before he could touch her.

“Johanna. My God. Johanna.”

“You’re back,” she whispered, unable to believe the joy piercing her heart. She had been right to trust him, he had kept his promise to her. Everything would be all right from now on, she could see it, she could feel it. Cadell was looking at her as if he couldn’t believe the rush of emotion submerging him.

“I’m back,” he said in a whisper. “And mighty glad of it, even though my mission did not yield the result I wanted.”

Johanna’s shoulders sagged. “You didn’t find the stepfather’s home, then?” she mumbled, though in reality, she was not surprised. He had been sent on an impossible quest.

“I did, thanks to something my friend, Peredur, told me before I left. But Rhiannon wasn’t there.”

Not there? This was the last thing Johanna had expected to hear, and potentially problematic. “I hope this means that she managed to escape and is now somewhere safe.” Not that Sir Humphrey had put his evil designs to execution.