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I didn’t hesitate or second-guess, just interlocked his fingers with mine. “Yeah, I was. I was willing to try just about anything. And I remember feeling voracious, just wanting to take a huge fucking bite out of life. Everything, every single, solitary thing, felt possible. Not just for me, but for us.”

“I think that’s the bliss of youth. The belief you can be anything—create, become anything. At eighteen and nineteen, the world was limitless. I remember your eyes would sort of flicker with every new opportunity. It’s one of the qualities I find most attractive, your badass nature. When Dial puts her mind to a thing, success is guaranteed.”

“Ozzie, I know you think I walk on water. But I’m not that girl anymore.”

“You can still walk on water. You’re just outta practice.”

Shifting in my seat, I turned to face him. “I’m serious. I’m not the fearless firecracker you once knew.”

“I think you’ve spent entirely too much time beating yourself up.”

“We need to be honest about what we want. You want a wife and a family, maybe even a couple more kids. And I want… Shit, I don’t rightly know what I want, and I think that’s part of the problem.”

“Dial, I don’t just want those things. I can only picture those things with you.”

“There’s a lot you don’t know.” The nightmares, the crushing self-doubt, my constant perfectionism. I thought about the darkness I’d drowned in after our daughter was born, the heaviness, the numbness, the way I slipped further than I’d ever admitted. I hated remembering it. I hated that it still shadowed me, that some days I woke up already fighting myself.

“I know you’re the most important person in my life. Anything else, I’m willing to learn.”

Ozzie wanted to go along to get along. But I needed him to see me, really, truly see me. “What if you don’t like who I really am?” An anvil crushed my chest as I got closer to revealing the scary parts of me.

“Not possible.”

“I don’t wanna make the same mistake twice.”

“We’ve never been a mistake. We’ve been bad timing, or an unfortunate turn of events. I know I made a mess of things the first time. I want to make it right.”

A mess? Was that how he saw it? The past few years were just a spill that could be swept away with a few extra-strength paper towels? “You let them lock me away.” My tone, while unembellished, was saying more than just those six words.

He scratched the top of his head. “I didn’t know what else to do.”

Snatching my hand away, I said, “You could’ve listened to me.” The anger came before I could stop it, because remembering those moments felt like reopening a wound that had never fully closed. I thought about how when I was floundering, he kept telling me to “push through,” how he looked at me like I was becoming someone he didn’t recognize instead of someone who needed him to see I was fractured.

“I did. But you weren’t really making much sense.”

I shot up from my seat and screamed, “I was scared, Ozzie!”

All the signs had been there—my silence, my lack of motivation, and the way I couldn’t sleep, eat, or stop crying when no one was looking. And he’d still acted like I was being dramatic and choosing to fall apart. He’d threatened to take Maple from me, saying that if I didn’t get help, he would be left with no choice.

I had carried that punch for so long. For twenty-odd years, I’d gotten used to being in control. I’d practically raised my little brother, but now I’d had my own child, and I couldn’t stand the sight of her. She hadn’t even spoken her first words, and I was already a disappointment. When I was released from the psychiatric hospital, I’d opted to stay with my parents, and I didn’t see Maple for months—yet another choice he made for me.

The muscles in his jaw twitched as he approached. “You don’t think I was scared?”

“You weren’t scared. You were angry and judgmental.”

“I was terrified!” His voice was thunder, sending a sharp chill down my spine.

“You let me leave.”

“You wouldn’t talk to me, Dial. I tried, but you iced me out. You made me feel like it was all my fault. Like you couldn’t wait to get away from us.”

“’Cause you didn’t listen. It’ll be okay, Dial. You just need some sleep. Being a new parent is hard. I wanted it all to end. So, no… shit wasn’t okay.”

Angry tears rolled down my face. Speaking the words still filled me with shame. Dial is good at everything but motherhood. My chin trembled as I licked away salty tears. The weight of it all caused my shoulders to sag.

“Stop it. Just stop. You keep acting like I wasn’t…” Ozzie paced, trying to collect his thoughts. “Stop. We’re gonna start saying shit we can’t take back, Dial.”

“Better to hash this all out instead of continuing to brush it under the rug. You wanna pretend none of it happened, go back to the way things used to be, and that’s never gonna work. Because I’m not the same, and neither are you.”