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More laughter from all but me. My whole body began to shake and grow hot.
“Trollop,” I muttered, wanting only her to hear. Alas, my actor’s training had made even my whispered utterances, supported low in my belly, resonate far beyond their intended ears.
“Hughes!” The Poet stormed over. “Stop being so rude to our guest.”
“She’s the one what’s been rude to me!” I cried out.
“What has come over you, lad?” He lowered his voice. “Now come on, get back on the stage and back to rehearsal. You’re wasting time, and you had been doing so well.”
“But she’s—”
“Make haste!” He teased loudly this time so everyone could hear. “Or I’ll have you playing corpses until September.”
I skulked back up onto the stage. Meanwhile the Poet put his arm around Rose’s bare shoulders and whispered something to make her giggle again. She pressed her bosom into his arm as she laughed. I intuited the warm, vibrating connection between her flesh and the bristle of his hairy forearm. As they walked to the exit, she looked back at me, her pink lips wore a triumphant sneer. I hated her with all my soul.
Alex approached and seeing me standing there frozen, tossed me an unexpected tender glance, far different than his usual haughty manner.
“I wouldn’t steam like that, Hughes,” he said. “It’s a waste of time.”
“I’m not steaming, Alex, and I don’t need your advice. And I don’t appreciate you rubbing it in when I forget my lines—”
“Sorry. That was a bit cold. I guess, I’m still sore from you stealing Queen Anne from me. But that aside … I just don’t want you to waste your time being jealous.”
“What are you talking about? Jealous of what?” I snipped, fearful I had given myself away.
His eyes grew softer, and he leaned into my ear and whispered, “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
“I’m not,” I lied. “It’s just that awful woman’s laughing threw me off.”
“Stop it.” He smiled gently. “There’s no point in denying it. Everyone knows.”
My cheeks burned with shame, I dare say, and I looked around to make sure no one was listening. “They do?” I asked, dropping my petulance. He nodded. “Does Will know?”
“I can’t say. He’s can be thick when it comes to the hearts of others. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks about anything else other than his plays and how much money the company takes in. It seems our emotions are mere material to turn into words and profits. And you shouldn’t feel bad. All the players crave to bask in the sun of his exclusive attention. When he focuses those crisp dark eyes on us, and tells us how we ‘bring his words to life’ it feels … I dunno … as if God himself was caressing us.”
I didn’t acknowledge that I too felt the same, but I did. I had thought his adoration of me was exceptional, but it wasn’t. I felt like such a fool.
Alex must’ve seen that and then added in a quieter voice: “Of course, the others didn’t fall for him in the way you or I did … with a physical passion.”
“In truth?” I lowered my voice to a whisper. “You loved him too?”
He nodded. “Tell anyone, and I’ll deny it. But, yes, when I first started as an apprentice. It’s incredible how he inspires such love in almost everyone.”
“Why do you tell me all this?”
“It’s just that I wish, back when I was new, that someone had told me I was wasting my time.”
“So, he’s not like us?”
Alex shrugged and then placed his hand on my shoulder. “I only know he’s not for us, lad. The only way any of us will truly taste his love is to fill our mouths with his poetry—otherwise we’ll go hungry forever.”
His words made me want to weep.
SixteenTo See the Sea
Wherein Willy Hughes sees the great North Sea for the first time.
My love is as a fever longing still
