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“Hey, I can’t talk right now, I’m right in the middle of something,” I said.
“What are you in the middle of?”
“I’m…I’m taking a picture for Alexis.”
Silence.
“I’m coming over.”
“What? No. Don’t come over.”
I heard his screen door slam.
“I’m serious, Doug, I don’t need you.”
“Let me guess. You’re taking a top-down shot, using the flash, standing in your shitty garage bathroom, you can see your feet in the picture and you’re wearing socks.”
I looked down.
Shit.
I heard his engine turn over. “That’s what I thought. Don’t do anything until I get there.”
“Doug—”
“DON’T DO ANYTHING UNTIL I GET THERE.”
He hung up on me.
Fifteen minutes later Doug walked in. He had a ring light.
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m not using that shit.”
He walked past me into my workshop. “She’s going to show this to her friends. You want to send her a shitty dick pic? That’s what you want?”
I followed him over to my workbench. “She’s not showing it to her friends.”
“Daniel?” A female voice came out of Doug’s phone on speaker. “It’s Liz. She’s definitely going to show it to her friends.”
I threw up my hands. “What the hell?! You called Liz?”
He shrugged. “I had to borrow her ring light.”
I could hear her laughing, and I pinched the bridge of my nose. “This is so embarrassing,” I whispered.
“What’s embarrassing is sending a dick pic that all her friends make fun of. This is fucking important,” he said, shoving his phone with Liz on speaker into my hand. “Literally everyone she knows is about to see the goods, you can’t mess this up.”
I shook my head. “You’re not helping me take this picture.”
He looked at me like I was speaking in tongues. “I’m not taking your damn dick pic. I’m setting you up, giving you all the tools, and you’re taking it.”
Liz came over the line. “Okay, so listen, there is an art to this.”
I lolled my head back and stared at the ceiling.
“You need to hold it,” Liz said. “Don’t just let it hang there by itself all lonely.”
“Grip it by the base,” Doug said, miming it with his hand. “But don’t do that thing where you squeeze your balls to make it look bigger. She’s seen it, she already knows.”
