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I peered down at the cell in my hand and I felt my face contort the tiniest bit and I realized a lump was rising in the back of my throat. I stared at the black screen so long he noticed.
“Are you okay?” he asked, dipping his head to look at me.
No? Not even a little?
I guess this was going to be the first heavy truth I volunteered as part of this exercise.
“I didn’t know my husband’s PIN,” I admitted quietly. “Because he gaslighted me into thinking I was paranoid and controlling for asking for it.”
I raised my gaze to his and watched understanding move across his face.
“You and me?” he said gently. “We’re different. We agree to be harmless to each other.”
The words broke my heart. Jacob’s promise to be harmless to me felt more earnest than my own wedding vows had at the end.
I believed that he wanted to be harmless to me. But mostly because Jacob was harmless to everyone.
He watched me for a long moment. Probably to make sure I was okay. But it felt like I was trapped in some hypnotic trance and I couldn’t look away. I could see the flecks in his eyes. Feel his breath just tickle my face. He was one small lean from being able to kiss me.
I couldn’t imagine how Amy’d had his love and devotion and didn’t do everything to keep him. Didn’t want it, or see it for the precious thing that it was.
I looked away and broke the spell. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I sniffed. “It’s super invasive.”
“I’m sure. I don’t care.”
I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. Okay. Here we go.
I picked up his phone and went to his search history. Most of the first page was Googling Wakan. I smiled when I saw that he’d Googled every single place I told him to before coming.
Before the Wakan searches he had a long history of searches for…sofas?
I looked up at him. “You’re shopping for a sofa?”
“Yeah,” he said, sitting against the headboard. “I actually wanted to show you. See what you thought.”
He peered over at his search history and tapped on one. A navy-blue sofa came up. “That one. What do you think?”
“Why are you getting a sofa?”
“To replace the recliners like you said.”
“You’re replacing your chairs because I came over one time and casually said you should have a sofa?”
“I want to have the kind of living room you like.”
My face went soft.
He was making plans for me?
Permanent, furniture-type plans—and we were just friends. Nick wouldn’t even commit to having dinner with my mom when she came to town. Probably because he’d had one foot out the door for the last half of our marriage. I wasn’t on his long-term agenda. And Jacob was over here like, “I’ve known you for two months, you might come over again, which sofa do you want?” It made me laugh a little.
“I like it,” I said. “But you don’t want to go sit on it first? What if it’s all hard?”
“If I go, will you come?”
“You want me to come?”
“Yes.”