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I rolled my eyes, lit the cigarette, and handed it to him. Then I dropped into a chair and started eating a Snickers like it was a burrito.

The old man eyed me. “Tough night?”

“You have no idea.”

He took a long draw on his cigarette and blew the smoke in rings. “You having trouble with my grandson? Want me to straighten him out?”

I snorted. “Can you make him love me?”

“Doesn’t he already?”

“No,” I said. “No, he doesn’t.”

He took another puff. “And here I was thinkin’ he was the smart one.”

He finished his cigarette and I gave him another one. I opened a Milky Way and sat there eating it while I stared through the screen into the dark abyss of the yard, contemplating all my questionable life choices.

Jacob never said he loved me back.

I said it to him so many times and not once did he say “You too.” But he did let me know he thinks of me when he jerks off. I’d be absolutely thrilled about this if he also happened to be in love with me as well.

If I had any question about what this was for him, that was my answer.

I had to bury my face in my hands.

This was my fault. All of it.

He’d been crystal clear with me since the beginning, that he was in love with someone else. This was completely on me.

Maybe if I hadn’t gone off and told Amy that Jacob and I were living together, I wouldn’t have moved in there and wouldn’t be so worn down from seeing him in gray sweatpants every day.

Maybe if I’d tried to calm him down in a way that didn’t involve straddling his lap, I would have had the fortitude not to have sex with him on a futon in his mom’s basement.

I groaned. I had sex with him. On a futon. In his mom’s basement.

I was like a parody of myself.

Even though this was just sex for him, now that I wasn’t going to be doing it again, he was going to feel rejected and like he did something wrong, because that’s just how Jacob was. And I was going to feel embarrassed and like I couldn’t count on myself to make the right decisions, especially when it came to him. The only way I could be sure it wouldn’t happen again was to stay away from him.

I’d still keep my promise. I’d attend his family functions through the wedding. But I couldn’t ever be with him alone and I couldn’t spend time with him outside of the agreement.

I’d messed this up. I’d ruined the time we had left.

I still had my face in my hands when I heard footsteps. A second later someone opened the gazebo door. I looked up. Amy stood there.

We stared at each other in surprise. Then she looked over at Grandpa smoking and her mouth fell open.

My jaw set. Fuck it. “Go ahead,” I said, sitting back in my seat. “Tell Joy. I don’t even care.”

Amy blinked at me. Then she held something up. A pack of Marlboros.

“We all give them to him,” she said sheepishly. “Well, the girls do. It’s sort of how you know you’re in the family? When you start sneaking Grandpa cigarettes. He smokes a pack a week.”

“Two,” he said proudly.

I turned and gawked at him. “What?”

He didn’t reply, but he looked pleased with himself.