Page 87

I had no excuse not to go to court. I’d been lying in bed all day, for no reason except that I couldn’t bear to run into Beric. Faline came alone to dress me, which felt like a slap in the face—I’d thought to apologize, but if Eliza was going to be petty, then she would get the same back.

Even worse was when we’d made it downstairs and I saw Beric standing by the door with Albert. I had excused him from his post, and yet he stood waiting, as a good squire should. He wore his earplugs, his gaze directed to the floor, as if barring even the option of conversation.

All I saw was a trampled, beaten little boy, a grown woman’s anger and frustration being taken out on him because she had no idea how else to cope. And I was perpetuating that abuse, when all I really wanted to do was kiss him.

Still, when his gaze shifted up, our eyes locking, I looked away quickly and hurried into the room.

Everyone was bright and happy as they bowed to Eliza, as they greeted me. They went on as if yesterday had never happened. Just as desensitized as they were with the Wednesday executions. Just another bit of morbid fun for the masses.

And suddenly, I felt a deep, uncontrollable hatred for everyone around me. Beric was right—I didn’t want to be friends with any of them. Life and death were meaningless to them. And worst of all was the king who would soon be sitting on his throne, the deer skull and veil hiding the face of the true monster in the room.

But maybe there was nothing to be done about it. Maybe this was my life now, and I must simply learn to enjoy it, just like the rest of court.

The very thought made me sick.

“I’d heard you weren’t feeling well, Lady Cali.” Kat approached smiling, taking my hands in her motherly way. “It’s nice to find that you’ve recovered.”

Seeing her almost made me forget I’d decided to hate everyone. Kat was the exception, other than Faline and Albert. I’d never forget her kindness my very first day, and it made me think that perhaps I would have to seek her out for company more often.

“I wouldn’t miss your birthday, Queen Katarine,” I said, with a slight bow. “And your company has been too long overdue.”

“Dear girl, are you lonely in your new quarters?” She held my cheeks gently. “They are abominably far from the rest of us, aren’t they? You’ll have to come have tea with me, so we can arrange a suitable match for you among the young men.” She paused, looking me over. “I suppose nothing has resulted between you and Beric?”

I felt my stomach twist painfully, to the point that I felt like crying. I tried to smile. “He has proven to be not quite the type of boy I’m looking for.”

“Well, never mind.” She linked her arm with mine, patting my hand. “Come, and I’ll make introductions.”

I looked over my shoulder, turning away quickly as I caught Beric’s eye again—the one boy I’d been aiming to look at, the one boy I wished hadn’t seen me look. I took a breath and shook his beautiful brown eyes out of my head, smiling at Kat. “Lead the way.”

CHAPTER34BERIC

The jealousy I felt as she looked at me before walking over with Kat to flirt with another man was excruciating. The idea that any of these unworthy, manipulating scum would be allowed near her …

But greater than my jealousy, I felt sick from causing her distress, from how much I missed simply following her about the room. I’d never felt such incurable pain as to miss the one girl in this world who so wholeheartedly despised me.

But it had to happen eventually, didn’t it? She was always bound to hate me, sooner or later. After all, she was a knight. I was the idiot for caring so deeply, knowing it wouldn’t last.

I should’ve known better.

The only thing I had was squiring—she couldn’t officially dismiss me without the king’s consent. And as I’d made myself indispensable, there was no chance of that happening.

And yet, how could I bear working so intimately with her ever again?

I found a spot along the back wall, leaning against it while I waited out the festivities. Now that Kat was making so many introductions, who could say when Cali would be ready to leave. I was supposed to stay as long as she did. But if she didn’t care about my duties, why should I? She had Albert, and her maids, although Eliza had wandered away from her. Technically, I could leave after the king did—he’d lead the toasts and the first dance with Kat, which wouldn’t take too much longer than his usual appearances. After that, no one would care what I did with my time.

“There you are.” Eliza joined me against the wall, handing me a full glass of wine. “I do wish my hermit of a father would arrive, already, so I can go to bed.”

I frowned at her. “Why aren’t you with Cali?”

“Apparently I’m trying to trap her in a palace she willingly chose to live in.” She lifted her goblet, as if to toast to our miserable existence, and drank. “I haven’t the patience tonight. I’ll speak with her tomorrow.”

“You’re the one who said we should protect her,” I said, not bothering to hide my frustration. “Shield her, so she doesn’t become like Vi.”

“I know what I said but…” She sighed, resigned. “You’ve always been like a little brother to me, Beric. I’ve only just met Cali. And she’s given you two panic attacks since she’s arrived. Right now I care far more for your well-being than hers.”

As dear as Eliza was to me, her words were offensive—any thought against Cali felt wrong.

“Well, I’m fine now,” I grumbled, gripping my glass with one hand and hugging my ribs tightly with the other.