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I study the man in his mid-fifties, who has the gentle aura of a caring pediatrician, and feel grateful that Selene sent me to an older psychiatrist. Just the age difference already makes me feel safer.
“How is your current living situation? Where are you staying?”
“I spent last night at my stepmother’s and I’ll stay there a few more nights before moving into my own place.” I sigh internally and shake my head. “It’s way too big for me alone, but whatever.”
“Do you feel comfortable there?”
I stare absently at the colorful figurines on the wooden table in front of me. “I don’t know. I think so. The house isn’t unfamiliar. My cousin… well, he’s not really my cousin, but we’re related. He owns the house. And my siblings’ gym is just two blocks away. It feels good to be home again.”
“You were gone for a year. It sounds like you left something important behind.”
My thoughts drift to Aran—how he pulled me away from Luke on Sunday and took care of me with such surprising tenderness. It hurts that I upset him so badly, yet I have the feeling he was clearer-headed in that moment than he had been in a long time.
Yes, his hands were shaking and he didn’t look great, but mentally he was present and knew exactly what needed to be done. When we said goodbye, it was hard for him to let me go.
I didn’t imagine that.
My chest still aches when I remember the sound of the door closing behind me. He shut me out, and yet I felt like something between us had just begun.
Aran was right. We both needed to sort out our own shit first. But I don’t want to wait for him anymore. I want to be with him and support him—the same way he supported me.
“There’s someone,” I say quietly, picking at my thumb. “He’s the one who saved me.”
I’ve already told Dr. Mason so much in this first session—about my mother, what Jerry did to us, my relationship with Luke, even the cutting. Selene had probably warned him about the train incident, or he wouldn’t have seen me as an emergency case just two days later.
“I think I have feelings for him, but I’m not sure if I’m even capable of correctly identifying those feelings in my current state.”
Dr. Mason smiles. “You’re unsure. That’s completely normal.”
“Maybe I’m just imagining that I’m in love with him, and I’m actually not capable of a healthy relationship at all. He said he needs to get his own life together first. I’m scared it might already be too late.”
“I’m glad you’ve found someone who means a lot to you. If he’s the one who pulled you away from that train, it’s safe to assume you matter to him too.”
“He said he can’t help me with this. That’s because he’s been through something similar himself. God, I know so little about him, and yet I feel like I understand him better than anyone else.”
After all, I’ve listened to his songs and found pieces of myself in his lyrics.
Dr. Mason stays silent, giving me space to organize my thoughts.
“Is it enough if I just focus on getting better so I don’t lose him?”
“That’s the best thing you can do, because everything else is out of your control.”
When Luke flashes before my mind’s eye, I clench my jaw in regret. I still don’t understand how that man gained so much power over me. Compared to Aran’s chaos, Luke seemed like a safe harbor. I know my brain is playing tricks on me, but I can’t seem to stop it. And that has to end. Once and for all.
Because my heart wants the chaos. Not the calm harbor.
My gaze drifts to the clock above the door. It’s almost eleven.
“I think it’s fine if we try without medication for now. You don’t seem like you have any active suicidal thoughts.”
“I’d prefer that too,” I admit, standing up.
“I’m really glad you came today,” Dr. Mason says as he walks me to the door. “I know it’s not easy to unpack the past again. It can be overwhelming. But don’t be afraid. We’ll take it one step at a time. We’ll meet again in a week. Then we’ll start figuring out what you need to feel safer and stronger. When you’re ready, we’ll gently approach your past together. There’s no need to rush.”
“That sounds good,” I say, relieved. Truthfully, I’ve already felt pressure inside myself to get “healthy” as fast as possible—even though I don’t feel sick.
“I suggest we start with a small exercise. Every day until our next session, find one moment where you reflect on something that felt good that day. A cup of coffee, a walk, a conversation. It doesn’t have to be anything big. It’s about noticing the small bright spots, especially when things feel heavy.”
