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I took in a deep breath, already picturing how this was going to go down. Either I told him and wrecked my career and the only good relationships I’ve ever had. Or I kept silent and lost the only woman I’ve ever loved. There was no way to win. But she was right about one thing. I couldn’t stand here and tell her I loved her and act the opposite.
“You’re right. I’ll tell him.”
She stared at me.
“I will,” I said. “I’ll tell him I love you and you love me and we want to be together.” I peered at her. “But you better mean what you say.”
“What?”
“That you’re willing to risk blowing up my life,” I said. “I’ll do it, but you better be waiting on the other side because Jack’s not going to accept this. He’ll kick me out of the band. So you need to be prepared for that.”
“He won’t,” Luci said. “That’s not how this is going to go.”
“It must be nice to feel so sure.” I sat on the end of the bed, dropping my face into my hands.
I felt her come and sit next to me, placing her hand on my knee. “Jack’s always taken care of me. Given me everything even when he had nothing. He’s not going to let me lose you. And you’re not going to lose him.”
“I need to find the right time to tell him. He’s getting married in five days and I don’t want this to wreck what should be the best days of his life.”
“There will never be a better time,” Luci said. “He’s asked us here to celebrate love. You can’t think he’d deny us the same thing?”
“I hope you’re right.”
“You have to trust me,” Luci said, resting her cheek against my shoulder. “That’s all. You’ll see.”
“Yeah, okay. I’ll tell him first chance I get.”
“Before the wedding. I don’t want this hanging over me on his big day. “
“Yeah, agreed.”
“Thank you.”
“Let’s get some sleep,” I said. “I’m exhausted.”
She nodded, getting up to use the restroom. I heard the water come on; she was brushing her teeth and washing her face like she did every night.
I went to the window and peeked through the slit in the shade. Everyone was leaving the bar together, laughter echoing through the night.
Just feet away, the woman I loved was brushing her teeth. Outside, everyone else I loved was merry and bright.
I’d never felt more alone.
20
LUCI
December 19
Baking Day with Elliot
Light snow throughout the day
Supper: Beef Wellington
I found my mother in the restaurant the next morning, eating her toast and fruit. She looked up when I sat down next to her.
“Good morning, honey.”
