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I immediately hate myself for phrasing it that way.

Like Veronica deliberately went out and stole something from me. She didn’t. She can't control the baby's sex.

And if it is his daughter, that little girl will have done absolutely nothing wrong.

But something deep and irrational inside me curls around the thought anyway.

I wanted to be the one who gave Simon his first daughter.

I already lost so many firsts with him.

Our pregnancy wasn't happy.

Not really.

Theo was loved before he was even born.

But the pregnancy itself?

It was a fucking disaster.

We weren't together. Everything was complicated. I didn't get to surprise Simon with a cute pregnancy announcement because finding out I was pregnant felt more like someone had dropped a grenade into both our lives.

We didn't throw some adorable announcement party.

I didn't spend nine months taking maternity pictures with my boyfriend's hands on my stomach while we counted down to our baby. I didn't have that glowing first-pregnancy experience people put online.

I was scared.

Angry.

Embarrassed.

Heartbroken.

Trying to figure out how the fuck Simon and I were going to raise a baby together when we couldn't even figure out how to make eye contact with each other.

It felt weird celebrating something that had happened so disastrously.

Veronica shouldn't lose those experiences just because her circumstances are messy too.

Maybe that's part of why I'm defending her party.

If she can find joy in this pregnancy, she should.

I wish I'd let myself find more joy in mine.

“Blaire.” Simon is tilting my chin up towards him.

“When you say my name like that, I feel like I'm in trouble.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“I don't want it to be a girl.” I admit. Not for the first time, but it still feels horrible to say aloud.

I close my eyes. “I always thought I'd give you your first daughter. Theo's pregnancy wasn't...” I swallow. “It wasn't what I wanted.”

My voice cracks. “I didn't get to come running into the room holding a positive test while you lost your mind because we'd been trying. I didn't get to surprise you. We didn't get to sit around talking about whether we thought he'd have your eyes or mine without this giant fucking mess hanging over us.”