Page 178
I think about Theo downstairs.
About the way he asked if I still loved him when I was mad. Kids make everything about themselves because they don't know how not to. If this baby is Simon's, someday they'll know their parents aren't together. They'll know Simon lives here with me and Theo. They'll know their dad is married to someone who isn't their mom. That's enough complexity for a child without me adding anything to it.
“I'd want them to feel like this is their house too,” I say quietly. “Even if I secretly hate everything about how they got there.”
“You can hate the situation and love the kid.”
“I hope so.” I whisper, wanting to just will the ability to do so into existence. “Simon thinks it's not his.”
“Still?”
“He's convinced.”
“Do you?”
“I've stopped trying to guess. He thinks Veronica is delaying the test because she knows it's not his. She wants him to do parenting classes with her if it's his.”
Jamie laughs. “Simon? Parenting classes?”
“He was deeply offended.”
“I bet.”
I start laughing too. “He's so fucking defensive about his dad skills.”
“Because that's the thing he's most insecure about.”
The laughter fades.
If this baby is Simon's, he's not going to be halfway involved. He won't send a check and show up twice a month.
He'll know the pediatrician, the daycare teachers, the favorite stuffed animal. He'll know what time the baby wakes up and which bottle they like and which song makes them stop crying. He'll show up.
“I don't want to share him. And I know how horrible that sounds.”
“It doesn't sound horrible.”
I close my eyes. “I mean...” I struggle to find the words. “Dad Simon. I want that version of him for Theo.”
“And your future kids.”
My hand unconsciously drifts over my stomach.
Then I hear a faint shriek from outside.
I sit up. “What was that?”
“What was what?” Jamie asks.
I listen.
Another shriek, then Theo's laughter.
I relax. “Simon took him outside.”
There's a thud against something, then Simon's muffled voice through the wall.
“Not at the window!”
