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Hana shook her head. “We didn’t want to put pressure on it by having people know.” She snuggled further into the towel, and into Maya, glancing away. “We decided to try artificial insemination last year, and it wasn’t happening. So, we got referred privately for IVF because we figured it was best not to waste time.”
“Awesome,” Maya whispered, the thought of being an auntie and going out shopping for the coolest baby clothes in town playing on her mind. She was brought back to earth with a jolt as she realized that Hana was still crying. Was she upset because they’d needed IVF? It would be typical high-flying, putting-herself-under-pressure-to-be-perfect Hana if she viewed that as some sort of failure, which, clearly, it was not.
Maya gave her a squeeze. “Why don’t you seem happy about it? Is it because you feel so ill?”
Hana shook her head. “Rosie and I had a big bust-up.”
Maya frowned. Rosie was the loveliest, most placid person on the planet. “How come?”
Hana glanced down. “It was all decided. She’s let her career take the back burner for the past few years so that we could be near my workplace and I could make partner. Moving out to the country was meant to be the initial move in Rosie’s job beginning to take center stage, and I was going to be the first one to have a baby.”
Maya nodded. “Sounds like a solid plan. Rosie’s supported you climbing the career ladder, now it’s her turn to shine.”
Hana rubbed her face, wincing. “Except I had a crisis of confidence and told her I wasn’t happy about switching into the career back seat.”
Maya hesitated. “But why?”
Hana looked up. “Because I’m such a driven freak that I couldn’t let go. We had a huge argument and I got in the car to drive here. She wanted to follow me but I told her not to.”
Maya sank farther onto the floor, sitting with her legs out and bringing Hana into her body for a proper hug. “You push yourself too hard.”
“I know,” Hana whispered. “But I don’t know how to stop. And now I’m doubting that I can be a good mum.”
Maya sighed. Why hadn’t she realized this before? That Hana was as damaged by their father’s driven attitude as she was, just in a different way.
“First of all, you’d make an excellent mother. And second, you need to let go of what you think Dad might say about it.” She was aware that was probably the most hypocritical thing she’d ever said, when she hadn’t been able to do the same herself. “You need to do what will make you happy, what’s best for your family. You’ve achieved brilliant things, but you work to live, not the other way around. Anyway, it’s not like he’ll be disappointed. He’ll be delighted to be a grandfather.”
Hana nodded. “I know you’re right, but it’s like I can’t let go of work. As if I’ll be losing what defines me.”
Maya’s heart beat harder with sadness. “It isn’t what defines you.”
They sat in silence for a few moments, Maya stroking Hana’s hair.
“I’m sorry I grassed you up to Dad,” Hana said, her voice quiet. “About your ski job. I think I was trying to deflect the heat off myself somehow.” She sighed. “I know it’s messed up, but I think I was jealous, in a way. Your career doesn’t seem to have the same hold on you as mine does me.”
Maya gave her a squeeze. “That’s because I don’t like my career.” A stab of regret pierced her being. Perhaps she shouldn’t be confessing that to Hana, not when her sister had already betrayed her. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter that you told him. At least you got me out of doing it myself.”
Hana managed a weak laugh. “Do you want to switch careers? Work at the resort permanently?”
Maya fell silent, unsure whether to say anything further.
Hana’s voice was small. “You can tell me. I promise not to break your confidence again.”
Maya’s breath caught. She’d heard that one before, but this time felt different. Something about Hana’s raw vulnerability, a quality that she didn’t normally display. “Yes. I want to leave accountancy, and be a ski instructor full-time.”
Lifting her head, Hana met Maya’s eyes. “I’ll support you. When you tell him.”
Maya’s heart tripped, and she swallowed the emotion gathering in her throat. “Thank you.”
Helping Hana off the floor, Maya guided her into her room to lie down, then went in search of a receptacle. She placed it by the bed alongside a glass of water, noticing that Hana had dropped off to sleep. She must have been exhausted.
Maya wandered downstairs, plagued with worry for her sister.
She poked her head around the living room door, and Omar was in there, alone. She wanted to tell her parents about Hana in order to enlist their support. In general, for what she was going through, and for her dad’s medical opinion on what might help the sickness. But if she did that, she’d be breaking Hana’s confidence, and she couldn’t undermine that, especially when Hana was so vulnerable.
Clearing her throat, she addressed her dad, deciding the only way forward was to tell a white lie. “Have you got any information I can give to a friend about morning sickness? She’s having a hard time of it.”
Maya realized that it would be easy for him to put two and two together if Hana continued to be ill rather than recovering as would be the case for a bug, but hopefully Hana would feel able to tell them soon. She blew her fringe out of her eyes. “It’s difficult for her to get going in the morning, because she feels so sick.”
