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Love Decoded

Page 104

by Nikki Castle

His thumb never stops moving, that reassurance filling me like warm honey. I’ve never told this story to anyone, and yet… it feels so easy to tell Lucas.

I cough to stop the urge to cry. “That wasn’t an invitation to role play, by the way,” I add, trying to lighten the situation.

“Baby, I don’t want anyone but you in the bedroom.”

I duck my head to hide my smile, but his chuckle lets me know he saw it.

Our laughter stills. After a moment, he asks quietly, “Did he ever get caught?”

“Not long after I left. I followed his online activity to keep tabs on him, and a few months later, I saw that he’d been arrested.” I let out a humorless laugh. “Guess he wasn’t as good without me as he thought.”

I can’t meet Lucas’s eyes as I reveal that part. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to admit, out loud, that I was the one who had submitted the anonymous tip. But not today.

I mentally shake the thoughts from my head. “Anyway, that’s my sob story. Mom died, Dad turned me into an unwitting criminal, and I’ve been on my own for the past five years.” I sigh. “Sometimes I hate falling back on Dad’s influence with the PI work, but I try to tell myself I only use my powers for good.” I manage to aim a half-grin at Lucas. “My superior morality is an unfortunate biproduct.”

A heavy breath rushes out of him, right before he presses a kiss to my hair. “Oh, Charli…superior morality is the last thing you have to feel bad for. Losing a parent that young? And having your dad take advantage of you like that? I wouldn’t blame you if you had become a menace to society.”

I shrug stiffly. Leave it to Lucas to see all my worst fears written on my face. “I know it wasn’t my fault—what he made me do. It just makes me sad to think about it.” I brush my own thumb over his hand, feeling comforted by his words, even beside my own worries. “I tried to find some of the people he screwed over after the fact, but…I was too young. And there were too many.”

A sigh gusts from Lucas’s mouth. “Baby…” he murmurs, pulling me into his arms. I go willingly. “You’re too pure for this world.”

I fidget with the zipper on his sweatshirt. “Sometimes I wonder if I’d still have a giant moral stick up my ass if I didn’t grow up with a criminal father. Or would I just be like the average person, accepting that people aren’t perfect and that it’s okay to be a little bit selfish and also a little bit kind?”

Lucas’s finger tips my chin, making my gaze lift to his face. His eyes shine with something I can’t read, but that’s brighter than any emotion I’ve seen on him.

“Whatever it is, I wouldn’t want you to be anyone other than the person you turned out to be,” he says firmly. “And I’m sorry your childhood was hard, but I’m also grateful it made you into this person, and that you’re here, right now, with me.” He brushes a strand of hair behind my ear and gives me a lopsided smile. “And for the record, I don’t think you have a giant moral stick up your ass.”

A laugh bursts out of me. “Liar,” I say with a chuckle. “I’ve been on your ass about your shitty firm since the day you met me.”

He shrugs, still grinning. “Yeah, well. It is a shitty firm.”

At his admission, my smile drops, and everything grows instantly serious. Because even though we’ve already had this conversation, we’ve never had it like this. In a moment this raw, after I’ve made so many admissions. If he was ever going to be honest, this is the moment.

“So then what’s the real reason you won’t leave?” I ask quietly. “You already do good work pro bono, what’s stopping you from making your side cases your career cases?”

“I…” He sighs, sounding suddenly exhausted. “No reason I’d give you is going to be good enough.”

“Try,” I beg. Because I just don’t get it. Lucas is a good person, I’ve seen it. Why is he clinging to this job?

He swallows thickly, not meeting my eyes. “The truth is, I don’t know who I am without this job. I may have fallen into it, but now a decade of my life has passed, and everything about me is defined by it. My lifestyle, my connections, my resume…” He winces. “And maybe it makes me a coward, but I’m a little scared of the unknown.”

I look down to where I’m fidgeting with his zipper again. “I get it. It’s a big decision.”

“The money is a big piece of it, too,” he admits. “Not for the reasons you’d think, but in the way that I use it. Even though it’s not me doing the good work directly, I’ve done a lot of good with the money I make, contributed to a lot of charities. I’m proud of that. Plus…” He shrugs awkwardly. “I help my parents, too. It makes me happy to be able to pay for their vacations. They both deserve it.”

I smile to let him know I understand. “I like that your family is important to you.”

His arm wraps around my waist to pull me closer, our lips only a breath apart. “You’re important to me,” he breathes.

My heart stutters. It’s the most serious label we’ve put on this thing between us. But I think…

“You’re important to me, too,” I whisper.

The rest of it can wait.

THIRTY-TWO

LUCAS