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“No,” I whined, throwing my head back. “Don’t be sweet, I don’t deserve sweet.”

“Says who?”

“You would’ve won the Super Bowl if it weren’t for me. This was the very reason you didn’t want a relationship to begin with, because it’d distract you from your career. And that’s exactly what I did.”

“No, no, no. You’re looking at it all wrong.” He shifted up onto his knees to take my face in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “I told you, I didn’t balance things right. I got excited our relationship was growing and I didn’t do all the prep work I normally do. But—”

“See? I distracted you.”

“Sure, you distracted me. From a boring routine that made work feel like the only part of my life that I was living. If we’d never met or if you didn’t get pregnant that night, then we might’ve won. But after that, I’d go home to emptiness. I don’t want that life anymore.”

“But you love soccer. You love your career and your team. And I just know you’re mentally beating yourself up for this loss.”

“That’s all true. But cinn … I love you more.” We fully paused in that moment, frozen as what he said sank in for both of us.

“That’s ridiculous,” I said through full body sobs, cracking the moment in half.

“No, it’s not. And please, don’t feel obligated to say it back or anything like that. I didn’t mean to say it. I just … you’re my priority now. You and the baby are and I want you to know that.”

“I just meant you saying I love you while kneeling on the bathroom floor of a Red Robin is ridiculous. But so is making me a priority. I couldn’t even see that you needed more work time, I didn’t understand the importance of the game, I couldn’t cheer you up afterwards, and now I’m making it all about me. I’m a horrible partner. God gave me relationship anxiety to keep this from happening, but we did it anyway and now we’re being punished.”

I’m not even sure I believed half of what I was saying, but I had word vomit. All these horrible feelings needed to get out of me and Niall needed to understand I was horrible for him.

Niall sighed and put our foreheads together, one of his hands going to my neck, massaging it.

“Can you take a deep breath for me?”

“No. It smells like cleaning supplies in here. Which is good, but also too chemical-y.”

Niall chuckled, the sound vibrating through me, relieving the tiniest bit of tension in my shoulders.

“That’s fair. Then why don’t we go back to the hotel? Relax, get warm, maybe take a hot shower. And then we can talk about what you’re feeling.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I babbled. “The only good thing I’m bringing to this relationship is the ability to make a baby. The rest has just been you dealing with my trauma and anxiety.”

“That’s not true.” He pressed a quick peck to my lips. “But I know you’re not in the headspace to hear me.”

“Stop being understanding. I’m trying to explain how I’m not good for you and this is the first time that’s ever been a concern for me. So the least you can do is make this easy on me.”

“Absolutely not. I had one bad loss today. I’m not taking another.”

The Game Plan

Niall

Itold the team Leah was feeling weary after the travel and time change and bad game and general pregnancy woes before whisking her off to the hotel and nearly shoving her into the shower. I could feel her panic attack like it was my own and sitting in warm water, alone, was my best fix for her. It was what I did when I was overwhelmed with expectations, even if I put them on myself. Something about running water made it possible to meditate when all my thoughts were too loud to sort through.

Hopefully it worked for Leah too. Or at the very least relaxed her body so she’d be in the headspace to talk afterwards.

It’s funny how many things I hadn’t considered when I realized I wanted a real relationship with Leah. Specifically regarding how our anxieties overlapped and could feed off each other. Seeing her crying in the bathroom after deciding that she’d brought me down was heart breaking. And what was worse was I could understand exactly how she felt. If our positions were reversed, if I’d lost her anything, I’d get the urge to run too. There was nothing worse than unintentionally hurting the one you love.

Damn, it really sucked that we’d hit a point of progress where we could openly admit we cared about each other during such a shit moment.

Around five minutes after the water stopped, Leah stepped out, bundled up with a towel around her body and head. She prodded over to the bed and plopped down beside me.

“I admit,” she said before falling back onto the bed. “I might have been a bit of a mess in the bathroom. But I think my points still stand.”

I lay down beside her and took her hands.