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Glad to have someone to bounce everything off of, she started at the beginning, showing him the trail she had followed. There were still time gaps, still a lot of questions, but she knew she was on to something. She had several more people to call, records to go through, and possibly a trip or two to make. But if it all came to fruition, the results would be monumentally life-changing.
“Does Sean know?”
“No. Not yet.”
“You’ll tell him soon?”
“Yes. No matter the outcome, I’ll tell him what I’ve done.”
“Good.”
Knowing her brain needed a break, she released a long breath and said, “Can I talk to you about something else, Dad?”
“You know you can.”
She glanced at the boards one more time. This needed to wiggle and jiggle in her mind before it could set. And what she needed to talk to her father about required her full concentration.
“Let’s go upstairs.”
Taking one last look at the timeline of events she’d detailed, Serena felt an affirmation settle deep within her. The conclusion was still up in the air, but the progress she’d made told her she couldn’t stop until she had reached the finale. No matter the outcome, they would face it together.
Once they were on the main floor, Serena headed to the kitchen to grab the pitcher of lemonade she’d made earlier. Her dad took two glasses from the cabinet and filled them with ice.
While she filled the glasses, he peeked at the cake on the counter and threw her a smile over his shoulder. “I’ll look forward to that tonight.”
They headed out to the back porch and settled into chairs. Hank curled up on the floor beside her chair. She reached down and caressed his silky head, taking comfort in his gentle, supportive presence.
The silence between her and her dad was their norm. He knew she was wrestling with something and needed to gather her thoughts. This, among a million other things, was the reason she always came to him when she had a particular moral dilemma. Her dad could untangle her knotted thoughts better than anyone she knew.
They stared out at the flowering trees and bushes of spring. Since this was a guesthouse, every family in Francine took responsibility for its maintenance and upkeep. When she visited, she often concentrated on the flower beds and landscaping. She loved being outdoors, and landscaping seemed to be more her forte than decorating or cleaning. The spring flowers were showing their appreciation in a grand way today.
Her father drew in a breath and said, “All right, sweetheart, let’s hear it. You know I’ve heard everything, so nothing will shock me.”
“It’s hard to know where to start. You know what my job entails. You know it’s dangerous and that I have to make split-second life-and-death decisions.”
He gave a slow, solemn nod.
“I’ve had to take lives to defend myself or save the life of an innocent. Every time I do, it weighs on me, but I also know the choices I’ve made are the right ones.”
“I understand how that feels.”
She knew he did. He’d fought in various battles throughout his military career.
She cleared her throat and said, “When Kingsley shot Smith—without any reason, without any thought whatsoever—it just…it broke something inside me. I attacked him. Not to take his gun away. And not because I feared he would shoot someone else or me. I wanted to cause him the most extreme pain. I wanted to kill him, to end his life immediately. If his soldiers hadn’t pulled me off of him, I might have succeeded.
“I talked to Sean about this. He reminded me that if I had intended to kill him, I had the know-how to do it in an instant. And he’s right. I could have killed him, but I didn’t.”
She paused for a second, gathering those painful moments so she could articulate her feelings better. As usual, her dad stayed silent, allowing her to do just that.
Finally ready, she faced him and explained one of the biggest things that had been weighing on her. “I lost my moral compass, Pops. I was filled with rage and hatred…so much malice. The worst thoughts took over my mind, and all I wanted to do was destroy. I didn’t care about my faith, my morals, my ethics, or my upbringing. I wanted the man to suffer. I wanted him dead, and I wanted to be the one to do it.” She swallowed and then added, “It was the first time I’ve ever felt the absence of God.”
“You believe He abandoned you?”
“No. I know that’s not possible. But I do believe I abandoned Him.”
“And you don’t think He was still with you?”
She gave him a weak smile, already knowing the truth. “I know that’s not possible either. It just felt that way. Fury, anger, and hatred were the only emotions I had. They consumed me. For the first time in my life, I wanted to destroy…to kill.”
