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Irish didn’t say anything, but he was studying her.
“What?” she said. “If you have any thoughts, feel free to share them, because I’m not sure what to think anymore.”
He winced. “I don’t want to throw my hat in the ring with the rest of the men trying to control you, but it sounds like both your father and this Michael guy agree on one thing, and maybe you shouldn’t ignore it.”
“You mean staying away from him?”
Irish raised his eyebrows and nodded.
“Don’t worry,” she said, scowling. “I’m pretty sure we’re going to be avoiding each other regardless.”
Irish tapped his fingers on the table and didn’t say anything.
“I can feel you thinking,” she said. “Come on, out with it.”
He lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “It sounds like you’re determined to show them you don’t need them. I don’t know about Michael, but I’m sure your dad knows what you’re capable of.”
She frowned. “I have a pretty good idea what he thinks I’m capable of.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
This felt painfully personal, but it was easier to share secrets in the shadowed darkness of Irish’s quiet apartment. Her voice dropped. “He’s never forgiven me for having James.”
“Do you really think that’s true?”
“I know it’s true. He practically didn’t speak to me for the entire time I was pregnant.” But now that she was saying that, she thought back to the exchange with her father at the police station.
You’re impossible to talk to.
I’m not the only one.
She remembered getting the positive pregnancy test, how she’d cried to her mother for an hour straight. By the time her father had come home, she’d been so ashamed and humiliated that she’d screamed at him and hidden in her bedroom.
She hadn’t been able to make eye contact with him for weeks.
Had she started it? Had she been blaming him for something she’d initiated years ago?
Maybe. But he hadn’t helped.
Hannah looked up at Irish, and she felt a familiar shame creeping up her cheeks. “I don’t know who James’s father is.” She hesitated. She’d never shared this whole story. Not even with Michael. “When I started high school, my father got super strict. I didn’t mind, really—I’d always done everything my parents expected of me. But it almost wasn’t good enough. He’d grill me on where I was every minute of every day. I’d go to the library after school, and if I wasn’t home exactly when I said I’d be, he’d flip out. Once he sent police officers to a friend’s house to make sure I was really there for a sleepover. Just because I didn’t answer my cell phone. Can you imagine how humiliating that was?”
Irish smiled. “I don’t need to. My dad was a cop, too. He used to treat my friends as if they were smuggling pot and whiskey into my house. I wouldn’t accept a ride home from anyone because my dad would be standing in the driveway, wanting to smell their breath.”
Hannah faltered. “Really?”
“Yeah, really.” He shrugged. “I think some of it is just being a parent, and some of it is knowing the consequences of poor choices. Well—you know all about that, right? With James?”
She blinked. James wasn’t old enough for her to humiliate him, but she was more cautious than other parents. She’d seen too many injured children to be otherwise. She never let anyone other than her parents drive him around. Michael and his brothers were the first non-family members she’d ever let babysit. When James was invited for a play date, one of the first questions she asked the other parent was whether they had a gun in their home and how it was secured.
Irish was right. She knew too much.
Was that her father’s issue too? Did he know too much?
“I didn’t mean to interrupt your story,” said Irish.
All of a sudden, she didn’t want to finish. She’d always felt a little self-righteous about this part, but now, in this new light, she felt more foolish.
She traced a line in the wood of the table. “During my junior year, a friend’s brother was going to a frat party. He invited her. She invited me.” She shrugged a little. “It was your typical college party. Lots of guys, lots of music, lots of alcohol. I snuck out of my room and we went. I was so ready to break free of all those expectations that I just completely let loose. I met some guy, one thing led to another, and . . . well, you know.”
