Page 218

“Adonis, just because you were a fighter doesn’t mean that there’s something inherently wrong or violent inside of you. You did what you had to do to survive. Every creature becomes violent when they’re backed into a corner.”

She was doing her best to figure out what was going on with him. That had been a big admission for him, so it seemed like maybe it was that.

“I’m not worried about that. I would never hurt the baby. I would never hurt you.”

“I know that. I trust you. With all of me.”

“Yes, you do.”

She called Alex that night when they got back to the house. “It’s a boy,” she said.

Alex cheered into the phone, the response that she had been hoping for, honestly. The one that she hadn’t gotten from Adonis.

“That’s amazing. I’m going to be an uncle. I was already going to be an uncle, but now I know it’s going to be to a nephew. I couldn’t be happier. Are you going to name him after that grumpy husband of yours?”

“We had considered naming him after you,” she said, the discussion that she had with Adonis earlier sitting uncomfortably in her stomach.

“Well, don’t do that,” said Alex. “I’m not worth all that drama.”

“That’s not true,” she said. “Why am I buffeted by two men who are really quite wonderful, but insist that they are terrible?”

There was a pause. “If I had to guess, Esme, it’s probably because we’ve seen enough to know how terrible humanity as a whole can be. A little bit too much to let ourselves off the hook entirely.”

“Well, I wish you would. Your brooding is starting to bum me out.”

He laughed. “I won’t protest if you decide to name him Alex. Promise.”

“Good.”

She hung up the phone, and walked down the hall, into the room that they had designated to be a nursery. It had a huge window that overlooked the glorious yard outside. The one that they had first looked at when they had come to see the house. The one that she knew they could both imagine him playing in. Him. She smiled softly. She could imagine a little boy who looked like Adonis. Dark-eyed and serious.

She felt sad, suddenly. Would Adonis be able to soften to play with his son? Would he be able to enjoy this? Sometimes, it seemed like they were on the same page, and other times it just felt so difficult. She never knew what to make of him. He had been the most attentive, caring husband since they had returned, since they had gotten married. But that reserve, that wall, that was the thing that worried her. It was the thing that frightened her just slightly. It was the thing that was of most concern to her.

She could feel his presence behind her, even though she hadn’t heard him walk up to the nursery.

“Come in,” she said. “Don’t loom there like a vulture.”

“I don’t loom,” he said.

“Liar. You’re looming.” She turned around, arms crossed between her belly and her breasts. “What was all that today?”

“I told you. It was nothing.”

“Please don’t lie to me. I’m not an idiot. And I’m not a child. I don’t want you to protect me. I feel like that’s what you’re doing.”

“Esme, we have been getting along wonderfully. Everything has been perfect since we got married. I don’t see the purpose of you making things difficult.”

She laughed, a loud, sharp crack. “Me! I’m making things difficult? That’s ridiculous. I’m not the one that looks like they were headed to the gallows today after they found out they were having a son. And I’m not the one that won’t talk about the fact that we are having a boy. That’s you.”

“Esme,” he said, sounding exasperated.

“Stop it. You’re talking to me like I’m your little sister. Like I’m the girl that followed you around the junkyard. And I was, I know it. But I’m not that now. I’m your wife. I deserve to be treated like I’m equal to you. And I deserve to be given a real sense of what’s going on here. I deserve to know you.”

“Fine,” he said, the word a bark. “I don’t know how to be a father. And the idea of being a father to a son is… Esme, my father was a terrible, awful man. I cannot take any piece of how he raised me and apply it here. It feels very close to the bone, all of this.”

“Well, you won’t do the things that your father did, whatever they were. It’s as silly as being afraid that you might hurt us.”

“I’m not afraid of that. I’m not. It is just… I’m ill-equipped. And I do not like it.”