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“But maybe one day, you can come back with me to spend it with my family?” I suggest.
“I think I’d like that,” he agrees.
“Perfect, but for now, what if we did our own Christmas here in Seattle? Maybe we could just celebrate with the two of us. I’ll miss my niece and nephew, especially because I feel like I wasn’t that present during Thanksgiving.” I pause, guilt twisting in my chest. “Well, at least at the beginning. I told you Dan noticed how much better my mood was after I saw you.”
“I still think it’s funny he called you a sad sack,” Marcus says, and I can hear him grinning.
“He wasn’t wrong. I was miserable before I saw you. And then after... I don’t know. I guess I couldn’t hide how happy I was that we talked. I seriously missed you.”
“That’s sweet that he cares enough to notice your moods.”
“I wasn’t exactly hiding my feelings.”
“Well, I like the idea of Seattle for Christmas. Just the two of us.”
“Yeah?” I ask, and I can’t keep the hope out of my voice.
“Yeah, I do. When should I fly in?”
“The 23rd? Then we can get a tree. Make dinner. Watch terrible holiday movies. Whatever you want.”
“I’ve never picked out a tree before,” Marcus admits, and there’s something wistful in it. “My mom always had a specific vision for ours with white lights, coordinated ornaments, and no personal touches. It was always a picture-perfect tree, and completely fake.”
“Then we’ll get the ugliest, most Charlie Brown tree we can find,” I promise him as I start looking around for where a tree can go. “And we’ll decorate it with whatever we want. There are no rules or coordination allowed. How’s that sound?”
There’s a pause, then a soft huff of a laugh. “It sounds absolutely perfect.”
“Good. I can’t wait to have you here and show you Seattle.”
“Me too. I’ll start looking at flights now.” I hear the soft clicking of keys like he’s been waiting to look this up.
“I’ll look too. And Marcus?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
I can hear his smile through the phone. “I love you too, Evan.”
When we hang up, I feel so overjoyed knowing Marcus is going to be here in a couple of weeks.
I pull up my calendar and mark December 23rd with a note: Marcus arrives!
CHAPTER 37
Marcus
The last few weeks have been filled with so much hope, even though the depression still creeps in sometimes. Dr. Patel has warned me that healing isn’t linear, that progress doesn’t mean the bad days disappear completely. She said it’s about learning to recognize the patterns, understand the triggers, and not let the darkness convince me I’m back at square one when it shows up uninvited.
Some mornings there’s a familiar weight on my chest, a voice telling me I’m not enough, that I’m going to fuck this up, that Evan will eventually realize I’m too broken to love.
The difference now is what I do when that voice shows up. Some mornings I still have to physically force myself to pick up the phone instead of letting the silence win by default. But I do pick it up. I’ll call Evan, talk to Dr. Patel, and share that I’m having a rough day.
It’s not effortless. I don’t know if it ever will be. But a couple of months ago it wasn’t even a choice I was making at all, so I’m proud of myself.
Dr. Patel and I spent a lot of time unpacking why I spiraled so hard after last Christmas. It wasn’t just my mom’s rejection. It was a lifetime of feeling like I had to earn love by being someone I’m not. When she made it clear, again, that who I am isn’t good enough, it set off every abandonment fear I’ve ever had.
But love isn’t something you earn by being perfect or hiding the hard parts. It’s choosing to show up, even when it’s messy. Even when you’re scared.
