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Yeah, and I always forget how chaotic Christmas is with the kids.

My brother has a four-year-old and a six-year-old.

They must be who he talked about during the Friendsgiving toast.

Me:

I was worried this is how you were going to tell me you’re secretly a married family man and have used me for my dick the last two years.

Evan:

If anything, you used me ;) and I am surely not complaining. Though, I don’t think sneaking out during Christmas is going to be as easy. We have so many activities planned.

I’d spent every day since Thanksgiving regretting not asking him to stay. I should’ve swallowed my pride and the fear of rejection and just asked. Instead, I fell asleep, and when I woke up, he was gone. I spent the entire next day feeling like I had let something slip through my fingers without even trying to hold on to it.

That regret dug in even harder on Christmas, mostly because I wanted an excuse—any excuse—to get away from my family, and Evan would’ve been the best one I could think of, which says more about my family than it does about him. I always wonder why I can’t just get along with them. Why does there have to be so much friction between us? Why can’t they just love me for who I am, instead of who they wish I’d been? Dr. Patel has told me plenty of times that I can’t change people who aren’t willing to meet me at least halfway. Most days it still feels like my family’s dysfunction is somehow my fault, for being “different.”

But I’d hate who I was if I tried to fit into their perfect box, and they probably wouldn’t like me more either, so there’s no point in trying.

I finish reading the last part of our previous conversation.

Me:

Seems like Thanksgiving is more our thing anyway

Evan:

See you in November then. Only eleven months to go, but who’s counting?

Me:

Already looking forward to it

I tried to play it cool. I’ve reread that message more than I’d admit to anyone. He’s not the only one counting either, which is ridiculous, because I’ve never once counted down to going back to Bloomington. The only countdown I’ve ever had was to leaving.

Now there’s something there I actually want to go back for and I wish I could fast forward to November.

Especially because it’s now only two weeks after New Year’s, and he’s asking me if I like thrillers, so I finally respond.

Me:

Of course

Evan:

You have to watch this new one that just came out. It’s so good. It’s about a prison break.

You have to text me your thoughts throughout.

I snort a laugh because he’s clearly decided I’m going to watch this show.

Evan:

But there’s no way you guess the end

I picture him the way he was the night we met at High Top, loose and laughing with his friends. That’s who’s coming through right now. He must’ve just finished the show, and he’s all amped up about it.

It's funny, because that’s not the Evan I usually get in person. With me, all that easy confidence melts. Last time, he was a complete bundle of nerves. It was adorable, and it made turning him into a begging, moaning mess that much more fun.