Page 74 of Every November

An hour passes. Then two.

By lunch, I’ve checked my phone at least seventeen times, but still no response from him and I can’t take it anymore. He’s probably just in a meeting or something since his phone is still on DND.

Me:

Marcus, are you okay? You’re starting to worry me. I haven’t heard from you in a couple of days. Please tell me you’re okay

I can’t take my eyes off my phone and then finally, finally he’s texting me back.

Marcus:

I’m okay. Just hard to be on my phone lately

Okay, so he’s struggling to be on his phone. That’s okay, maybe I’ll just switch to calling him, but it goes right to voicemail. Fuck.

Me:

Can we talk on the phone?

January 9th

Me:

How are you?

I hit send before I can add something like “I miss you.”

The three dots appear almost immediately, and my heart jumps. But then they disappear. Appear again. Disappear.

I watch this cycle repeat four times, each disappearance feeling like a small death until after what feels like an eternity, he responds.

Marcus:

I’m alright

It feels like he’s trying to convince both of us.

I don’t know what’s going on with him, but he feels so far away, both in miles and emotionally. I can sense the shift. I miss him so much, and it feels like he’s completely pulling away, and I don’t know how to stop it.