Page 26
“Joanne.” My heart is racing, my hands are getting sweaty. I pace around my apartment like a caged tiger. Parker pointed out this very specific problem to me. If no one knows what’s going on with you, you can’t tell anyone that your relationship is fake. And only four days after our first date, it hits me. “Actually, I’m on my way to meet her right now. We’re going out to eat with Miller, Katleen, Sid, and his brother.”
There’s silence on the line. “You asshole!” she yells now. “Why is Sid bringing his brother along and I’m stuck here?”
Panic? No, stay calm. Breathing? Under control. I can say it. Valentina is a fake girlfriend. These meetups are for show. Joanne, I’m gay. Nothing comes out of my mouth.
I take a calculated breath. “Joni, I can’t promise you’ll meet her when you get here, but I have to tell you something.”
“Aaahhh,” she whines. “You’re messing this up again!”
A snort escapes me. Yeah, I would. Or maybe I’ve already messed it up. This is my chance to open up to my sister. I think back to how good it felt to tell Valentina about myself.
“Maybe, maybe not. I’m assuming Valentina and I won’t stay together forever. But she could become a real friend.”
“Argh. Evan. What is it now?”
Say it: I’m gay. Say it. It’s that simple. I’m gay. Why is it still so hard? Because Joni is much closer to me than my therapist or Valentina.
What if she doesn’t react well? What if she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore? What if she tells our mom?
“Joanne, you can’t tell Mom, okay? I’ll do it myself. In person. I can’t do this over the phone. I need to prepare for this.”
My sister is silent. “Evan, what’s going on? You’re scaring me. And I promise you, I won’t say anything to her, but . . . talk to her. I can keep a secret, but if it’s this big, she’s going to have to know. Especially if it has anything to do with Valentina.”
“Yeah, I’ll do it. Just not right now.”
“Okay. Now spill.”
I take another deep breath. Joni is safe. I’m safe with her. My sister loves me. She can overlook a little detail like this. “I’m gay.” I don’t say it loudly. A bit too quickly.
“Oh.” She gasps. “Evan. I didn’t know that.”
“Duh, Joni, that’s why I’m telling you.”
“Evan. You know that doesn’t matter to me at all.”
No, actually, I don’t know that. Not with absolute certainty. Apparently, I’m too slow.
“Evan, you know that, right?”
“Yeah, sort of, but we’ve never talked about these kinds of things.”
She laughs humorlessly. “Yeah, because any mention of those kinds of topics was immediately nipped in the bud.”
My gaze drifts out toward Central Park. “Yeah. By Dad.”
“By Dad,” she repeats. “But Mom never contradicted him either.” She sighs. “No, you shouldn’t rush into that conversation.”
We’re silent for a few seconds.
“Is everything okay between us?” I whisper.
She sniffs into the phone. “Of course, you idiot. I’m trying to figure out why you never said anything? Why I didn’t know. I should have been there for you more.”
“Joni, no. It was always my decision that no one knew about it.”
“No one?” She sounds incredulous.
“Well, my therapist, Valentina, and one other person know about it.” Derek doesn’t count.
