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They checked out and took Konrad’s rental to the restaurant where they were all waiting for breakfast. The two of them cut an interesting figure as they walked in, Konrad in a full three-piece suit, Jasper in his sweatpants and hoodie. Everyone else was already there and reached varying degrees of success in pretending not to react to the two of them holding hands. Jasper hadn’t even noticed until they all started looking, but he didn’t pull away, not until sitting down at the table required it.

Hiyori was on the phone, finishing her conversation as Jasper sat down. “I love you too, princess. See you when I get home.” She hung up and her smile lingered. “The convention was awesome, but I miss my wife.”

“I also miss your wife,” Shariah said dryly. “I never should have suggested sharing a room with you, you sleep like shit without Amara.”

Jasper’s mind flitted back to the nightmares and strong arms wrapping around him, heat rising to his cheeks like the others at the table could see those images projected on his face.

He wasn’t much of a talker on a regular basis, let alone first thing after he’d woken up, so he stayed mostly silent except to order his drink and then his food. Konrad was talking to James about what cheeses they liked to pair with different wines, then to River about classical music—River played the violin in high school. Konrad flowed between conversations with an ease that Jasper couldn’t fathom possessing. Shariah asked him what Denmark was like, and they talked about that until their plates were cleared and Hiyori announced it was time to go.

It felt natural, to sit there with Konrad and let his melodic voice fill the holes Jasper left with his silence. It was comfortable. Jasper’s coworkers clearly liked Konrad, and it wasn’t difficult to imagine doing this again. Not just breakfast, but the trip—going on dates and going back to their room to fuck and let Konrad hold him afterward.

Jasper’s heart was beating too fast as he got in the car. He watched the city pass by through the window, his hands twisted together between his knees, his stomach rolling. Konrad had made a place for himself at Jasper’s side, and a place for Jasper at his own. They fit together without Jasper having to file down any of his sharp edges. It was something he could get used to, and that meant it was something it would hurt to lose.

Because he would lose it. He always did.

It wasn’t a long drive, and Jasper didn’t know if they got to the airport too soon or not soon enough. Konrad turned in his rental and they went through TSA, their hands clasped tightly together as Jasper fought the panic of being wedged between so many people. As soon as they got through TSA, Konrad tucked Jasper under his arm, and Jasper didn’t fight it.

The airport opened up and crowds thinned as they approached their gate, but the panic didn’t abate. It just kept getting worse. Konrad was murmuring to him, rubbing his shoulder, and his comfort made Jasper feel like he was being eviscerated.

They reached their gate and Konrad stopped, turning Jasper to face him.

Konrad looked sad, the same way he had when they were leaving their room, and Jasper realized with mounting devastation that Konrad knew. He knew what conversation they were about to have, had known at least since they were leaving the hotel, and he’d still held Jasper’s hand and laughed with Jasper’s friends. He’d still gotten Jasper through the airport with a gentle touch and ceaseless patience.

“Konrad,” Jasper whispered.

Konrad brought his hand to the side of Jasper’s face. He looked like he’d speak, but he didn’t.

“About what you said. About… pretending all this didn’t happen, when we go home,” Jasper said, tears scalding his eyes. He shook his head and one of them trickled down to Konrad’s thumb on his cheek. He couldn’t do this. Once he said it, the words would take so much of his heart out that he wouldn’t survive it.

“I know.”

Jasper’s brows pulled together. Another tear spilled as Konrad let go of his face to unwind the scarf from around his neck, and he was infinitely gentle as he wrapped it around Jasper, even as Konrad’s eyes were full of so much pain that Jasper thought they might both drown in it. Jasper’s mouth quivered before he pressed his lips together. “I’m sorry.”

“You needn’t apologize for taking what I myself offered to you. When you get home, all will be as it was before we arrived here. You have my word.”

“It’s not you. Konrad, I need you to understand that. It’s not you.” Jasper could feel the stone in his throat threatening to dissolve.

Konrad’s lips pulled into the ghost of a smile, his hand coming up to cup the back of Jasper’s neck. He leaned in and pressed his lips against Jasper’s forehead through his curls. For the longest, shattering moment, he didn’t pull away. He just breathed in the scent of Jasper’s hair while his hand trembled on Jasper’s nape. “Goodbye, Jasper.”

Konrad stepped back, a blurry figure through the tears in Jasper’s eyes. When his vision cleared, Konrad was gone, swallowed up by the crowd that had started forming as it got closer to takeoff.

Something cold and dark opened in Jasper’s chest as he fell into line to board. It yawned wider as he got on the plane, alone. He couldn’t blame Konrad for getting a different flight. Konrad hadn’t even been surprised. Wounded to the marrow of his bones, yes, that was obvious. But not surprised. Like he’d known already that Jasper couldn’t stand to be held onto, no matter how much he craved it. Jasper almost wished he’d asked how long Konrad had known, but he didn’t think he could bear the answer.

Konrad had known Jasper would leave him, but he’d hoped he wouldn’t. He had spent every moment together trying to change Jasper’s mind against the inevitable, knowing their time was borrowed even when Jasper didn’t, because he had convinced himself his mind wasn’t made up yet. Jasper knew now—it was decided the instant he was given an out that he would take it. He was a coward, and separating from Konrad with a clean break was still less excruciating than waiting for Konrad to do it, gouging Jasper’s chest open when Konrad tore himself loose.

The plane took off and Jasper buried his face in the scarf that still smelled like Konrad, his tears soaking into it, corrupting even this last piece of them he still had.

Coming home didn’t feel like coming home. Amara was waiting with a pack of dogs who happily stampeded toward him when he got out of the car, and Jasper must have looked like hell if the way she kept glancing at him was any indication. He sat on the steps, dropping his duffel bag beside him, letting the dogs clamor onto him and lick the salt from his face.

Amara stopped in front of him with a gentle smile, a few coils of her dark hair falling around her face as she leaned forward onto her cane. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Jasper shook his head.

The nightmares came back, but they weren’t of faceless shadows anymore. They were a constant replay of the whole minute it took Jasper to ruin the best thing he’d ever had.

Hiyori was the only one there when Jasper got to work the next day. The others had taken one more day off, and Jasper was glad he didn’t have to endure their chatter as he dropped himself into his chair. He rubbed his eyes under his glasses. In the past twenty-four hours, he must have checked his phone fifty times, tapping the screen and flipping the phone back over when it was just as empty as the last time he checked. He didn’t know what he was expecting.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Hiyori asked.