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He kisses my jaw, as needy for touch as I am. “I was afraid you’d sneak out before I wake up. You know, so no one sees you coming out of my room.”

The rose-tinted glasses I’m wearing crack, and I stare at him, feeling unexpectedly hurt. I know he didn’t want to be mean, but I’m already feeling uneasy about the arrangement we made last night.

I don’t want to only see him in private. I want to go on dates, and ride his horse, and hold his hand at Rainbowology while Kai watches us with a knowing smile.

Fuck.

I’m in a hell of my own making.

Aaron stares at me with his big, beautiful eyes. “I’m happy that you didn’t. We could copy the key and always leave separately,” he says, unaware of the turmoil going on inside me.

The very thing I asked for is making me miserable, like I’m a big baby who wanted the spiciest ketchup yet ended up hating it.

What the hell is wrong with me? Could it be that sex and hormones messed with my head?

I swallow, taking in his pretty little face, but my attraction to him is not just about that. This boy is the jackpot. He is everything I ever wanted in the form of one guy, and here I am, hiding him because I’m too much of a coward to deal with the potential fallout of our relationship. He already told me it hurts him when I flirt with girls, and while he has feelings for me, that might not be enough to overcome all the hurdles resulting from the secrecy. What if I end up losing him over this while chasing more money when I own property and have a skill that would bring enough money to live off, regardless of my reputation on social media.

Is all this worth the risk of losing him again?

He shifts around, blinking and whispers, “Did I do something wrong?”

I shake my head and grab his hand. “Would you... would you rather come out? With me?”

His expression turns serious and he’s instantly awake. “What do you mean?”

I know I’m asking a lot, since his trust fund is on the line too, but I need him to know that he’s worth everything to me. When I was a broke teen growing up with my drunk of a dad, I could have only dreamed of a guy like him.

And now I have him, and I so deeply need to make him happy.

“I just... I don’t want to hide you. I mean, if you need this because of your parents, I will be discreet, but you deserve better. We both deserve better.”

I know I’ve said the right thing when his gaze softens. He grabs my hand to play with my fingers. “I’ve had a lot of time to torture myself with what-ifs over Christmas, so it’s not an impulse decision when I say I’d really like that. The trust fund would secure my future, but I feel like it’s been this chain around my neck for years now. I’m scared that without it, I won’t know what choices are best, but the truth is that it’s been steering me into a profession I don’t want to do. It’ll be scary to not have this safety net, but I’m also… excited. To live my life how I want to for once. To be with who I want.” Aaron kisses my knuckles with his warm mouth.

My lips tingle with the need to kiss his, but I just squeeze his dainty hands as I breathe more freely. “Should we do it? I mean... you can take time to think about it, but I have you with me now, and I don’t want to pretend you don’t matter.”

His smile widens. “Are you sure this is what you want?” But when he cuddles up to me, I couldn’t be more certain. “I think… it will be good for you. Not just to be with me, but so you don’t have to act all the time. I’ve seen that it’s a strain on you.”

I fall back into the sheets, feeling relief just thinking about it. “Yeah. The world is changing, and maybe it won’t be so bad. But even if it is, I will still have my studio, and my skill, and I own my home. Maybe I’m just being greedy? Maybe it’s all no longer necessary?”

“I feel like that about the trust fund. I know I’ve been extremely lucky already. I’ll probably still finish my degree, but you inspired me to think about my other skills, like the calligraphy. There must be more I can do, and I don’t want to sacrifice all that, and the man I love, for money. He hooks his leg over mine, watching me with a soft gaze.

It's as if my feelings were kept prisoner by a flimsy gate and he’s crushed the lock, letting them out. “I love you too. And I want everything. I want everyone to know.”

“Let’s do it. Whatever happens, we’ll have each other.” He cuddles up to me, grinning, and I’m already grabbing my phone, because I need another photo with him to commemorate this.

He kisses my cheek as I grin into the camera, and when I capture us, the result is the most perfect picture of two men in love. Happy and unafraid.

I exhale, showing it to him, and despite the certainty I feel deep inside, there’s a part of me that’s scared of making this commitment. “Are we going big or just letting people put the pieces together on their own?”

Aaron shrugs. “It’s your Instagram, but if you ask me, I say we go big. You look so good in this photo.”

I’m so happy I can hardly contain it, so I kiss him and paste in all the right hashtags. My thumb trembles a little bit when I’m about to publish the picture, but once it happens, all I can feel is relief.

I’m done pretending.

#NewYearNewMe

Chapter 20