Page 30

He breathed in, and sighed out long and slow, then stepped back. “It would be noticed,” he said, as though he had actually thought about it.

“Yeah, I barely got away with disappearing too.”

He rested against the desk again and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to organize it. He was going to have to try harder.

“I want this,” he said, sounding clearer than he had since arriving. He looked over, his gaze pinned to me. “With you.”

There was no alcohol this time, just honesty. The knot in my chest got tangled in my throat. He was saying a simple thing, but its meaning wasn’t simple at all. Ren didn’t admit these things. He kept it all behind his barriers. But now, here, he wanted this. Wanted us. I nodded, pretty sure my voice was gone for a few seconds. “I uh . . . me too. I missed you . . . a lot.”

His face softened, and my smile grew.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s been . . . tough. My father and work . . .”

“Yeah, I know, same here. Not my pop, but . . . everything else. But I wanted to see you. Never stopped thinking about you, honestly.”

He nodded and said softly, “I’ve missed you greatly, Cam. More than I know how to express.”

Look at us, talking about feelings like grown-ups. Kinda.

So, now we were clear about that, we had to figure out what to do with it. If we could do anything with it? He wasn’t out, and he wasn’t likely to be coming out anytime soon. Which meant we were what?

I needed to stop thinking, like I’d told him a few minutes ago. I didn’t need to know what we were, I just needed this, the being together part . . . for now. The thinking part was too hard right now. “No thinking.”

“No thinking,” he agreed, and smiled. That smile was warm and genuine, and a piece of the real him trying to show up.

“After the Games . . . we’ll have time.” I had no idea what we’d do with any time we’d get, but we weren’t thinking about that.

“After the Games.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” he echoed, smiling easily now.

God, I loved it when he smiled. Every smile felt like a gift, because he didn’t give them easily.

“We should go back,” he said. “Get some rest.”

“Yeah . . . two days until the opening ceremony.”

Neither of us moved. It was quiet . . . so quiet I could hear my heart pounding and figured he might be able to too. Ren was back in my life—for now, at least—and my heart was definitely getting involved.

He nudged my shoulder. “Let’s go.”

“Yeah.”

“You go first.” He nodded at the door. “I’ll follow after. Just in case someone is out there.”

“Sure.” I grabbed my skate bag then turned, pushed onto my toes, and planted a fast kiss onto his mouth. Too quick for him to turn it into anything deeper. He reached for me anyway, as I walked away backward to the door. One of us had to go or we’d be in that room all night. “See you later.”

He leaned against the desk, his jacket askew, hair a mess, but his face was soft and happy. “Definitely.”

I left the room, heart pounding, heat in my face, and a smile on my lips that probably wouldn’t fade for days. Ren wanted me still. It wasn’t over. This thing we’d had on the run-up to the Meridian wasn’t done, it was right back with us. And I’d never wanted anything more. Maybe even the Olympic gold was second to wanting Ren in my life. His stoic ways, quick, witty lines, careful but powerful hands. His quiet vulnerability, brilliant mind, and a body that I didn’t know well enough despite having my hands on it regularly when we’d danced. I wanted that too, to dance with him again. But there was no gender open at the Olympics, or even generally in ice dance. Men did not dance with men. Which was a damn shame, because we fucking killed it together. Together, we were unstoppable.

After the Games . . .

Ater the Games, Ren would be waiting.

I wasn’t sure which I wanted more. To win gold or to have his heart.