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I turned and held up the stick. “It’s negative.”
His eyes dropped to the little window, then lifted back to mine. For a few seconds, neither of us said anything. I’d expected relief to flood through me—my chest to loosen, my stomach to unclench, and a return to normal breathing—maybe I’d even cry a little. But oddly, relief wasn’t what I felt.
Instead, everything inside me went hollow.
“Negative,” Calder said. He tried to force a smile, but he couldn’t fool me.
I knew that look. I’d seen it the rare time he didn’t get an A in college and pretended he wasn’t disappointed. I’d seen it when he’d told me he didn’t get the promotion he’d been gunning for. “Are you…happy?” he asked.
“I don’t know what I feel right now.”
He shoved his hands into his pockets and finally let his mask slip, offering a hesitant smile. “I’ve been picturing us living in a little house with a white picket fence and a three-year-old blond boy running around, chasing a Labrador retriever.”
I swallowed a lump in my throat. That had been my dream—our dream. I smiled sadly. “Don’t forget the talking parrot.”
His mouth curved. “Named Fred. Who curses a lot.”
I remembered the night Calder had asked me to move in with him. We’d been lying in the grass down at the lake near my parents’ house, the sky above us filled with stars that looked close enough to touch, and we’d planned that future. The house. The kids. The dog. A vegetable garden. Him mowing the lawn on Sunday morning, then coming in to make us all pancakes. I had to blink a few times to keep the tears from falling.
Calder studied me, tilting his head. “You’re not going to get that with him, you know. Rafe doesn’t want a family.”
I wasn’t surprised Calder knew that about his friend when I’d only just learned it from Rafe’s aunt. Calder always paid attention. Still, hearing him say it out loud felt like he’d pressed on a fresh bruise.
“I know,” I whispered.
“Do you? Because you used to want that more than anything.”
I looked down at my hands. “Sometimes the things we want in life change.”
But saying the words didn’t make them true. Had what I wanted really changed? Or did it just feel like I could settle when Rafe was near? Being around that man made me forget things, made me forget myself.
For a moment, my planned future flashed before my eyes—Christmas morning with three kids in matching pajamas, a refrigerator covered in drawings held by magnets we’d collected from all our family vacations. The oldest helping me bake cookies while sneaking treats to the waiting dog.
God, I wanted a family.
And Rafe didn’t.
Calder stepped closer and rested his hands on my shoulders. “I’m not saying that to hurt you, Talia.”
“I know.”
“I’m saying it because I know you.” His eyes searched mine. “Maybe better than you want me to right now. But you wouldn’t be happy without a family.”
My throat burned.
And therein lay the problem. Calder knew me, or at least the version of me who wanted the white picket fence and a calendar hanging on the wall filled with plans I could point to and see what my future looked like. Rafe knew a different version. The reckless one. The one who would quit the job she’d planned so carefully for and pick up and move to Vegas just to be near him. Maybe I could write my book there instead of biding my time, editing someone else’s dream. That Talia wasn’t afraid to take chances and dream bigger.
But which was the real me? I had no idea.
I wrapped my arms around myself and stared past Calder. “I don’t have it all figured out yet.”
Calder was quiet, but he reached out and slipped a finger under my chin, gently nudging until I met his eyes again. “If you give up the life you want to fit into someone else’s, you’ll never be truly happy.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I should get some sleep. I’m wiped out.”
Disappointment flickered across Calder’s face. But he’d always been careful with me, even when I didn’t deserve it. He nodded. “Yeah. Of course.”
For a few seconds, I thought he was going to say more. But eventually he stepped back. “I’m sorry,” he said.
