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Deep down, though, I suspected it might be too painful to come back here. I loved it here so much, but it’d become synonymous with the man who’d stolen my heart. Without Rafe here, the City seemed empty.

“When do you think you’ll move back?”

“Well, I’m in the middle of editing three books right now. It’ll take me a few weeks to finish those, and then I’ll give them two weeks’ notice, so figure probably a month and a half before I’m back.”

“Definitely take some more time to think about it,” she warned. “This is a volatile time in your life, so you need to be especially careful of rash decisions. I don’t want you to get home and regret it.”

I nodded. “Like I said, I’m not giving my notice right away. So I still have time to let the idea of moving home settle.”

“I won’t complain about having you back, as long as it’s what you really want.”

After I got off the phone with Mom, I listened to the sound of Calder’s footsteps upstairs. My heart squeezed as I flashed back to our college days. I’d crumbled anytime he looked into my eyes during those early years. And over time, he’d evolved into my safe space. But I now knew that wasn’t enough for me. I needed a passion I never knew was possible until I met Rafe. Still, I should’ve left Calder before allowing what happened to transpire.

But I couldn’t go back and change the past. All I could do was vow to be a better person moving forward and learn from my mistakes.

As the footsteps above me continued, I decided to write him a letter. I didn’t like the way things had ended with Calder when he’d told me to “have a nice life.” He was right upstairs, and I could’ve talked to him whenever I wanted, yet I never found myself able to say what I needed to, standing face to face.

I grabbed a notepad and pen I’d stashed in Rafe’s kitchen and returned to the couch.

Dear Calder,

As I sat here listening to your footsteps above me, I remembered our college days. The way we’d study together until the library closed. Cook together in your tiny apartment. I’ll always miss the happy times with you and can’t adequately put into words how appreciative I am for the years we had together. You built me up, made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, and showed me how a real man treats a woman. Whoever will get to be with you someday is right now out there completely oblivious to how damn lucky they are.

I need you to understand that my actions when it came to Rafe had nothing to do with you and everything to do with my connection to him. I wouldn’t have thrown away what you and I built for a mere affair. What Rafe and I have is stronger than that. I know that’s hard to hear. But it’s the truth.

Still, I had no right to cheat on you. And for that, I will always be incredibly sorry; there is no excuse. I hate myself for hurting you, and I don’t deserve forgiveness for that part.

You are not some brief chapter in the story of my life. You’re a major player that shaped who I am. Part of me still longs for you, even if that’s wrong. You don’t stop loving someone because you’ve fallen in love with someone else on a deeper level. That seems unfair and confusing, but it’s my experience. I will always love you, even if that sounds trite given everything that’s happened.

I wanted to tell you that I’ve decided to move back to Montana. It’s what’s best for you and best for me. My job is not fulfilling enough to keep me here, so I plan to go home where I can be closer to Mom and use the peace that will afford me to pursue my writing. I’ve learned a lot of life lessons here, though, and I don’t regret my time in New York.

I will always be rooting for you, Calder. I hope you find your soulmate, and I hope one day you can look back at the time we had together in this life and smile. Please don’t ever change or blame yourself for any of this. There was nothing you could’ve done to alter the trajectory of what was meant to happen. I wish you nothing but happiness.

Love always,

Talia

I needed to pen a similar letter to Rafe, but that would have to wait until I was emotionally ready. These letters would allow me to return to Montana with a clear head and heart. Well, clearer at least. I’d never get over this time in New York City. The memories would follow me like an invisible cloud.

I sealed the letter to Calder and walked upstairs to slide it under his door. I’d just placed it when the door opened.

“What the hell is this?” Calder asked, holding up the folded piece of paper. “It can’t be a Dear John letter, because you’ve already kicked me to the curb.”

I exhaled. “Please read it. It’s just some stuff I want you to know.”

Our eyes locked, but after a moment he nodded and gently closed the door.

***

It was a week before I heard from Calder again. The following Saturday, I was getting ready to run some errands when there was a knock at my door.

I opened to find him standing there in a blue polo shirt and khakis. His hair was parted a bit to the side.

“Hey.” He slipped his hands into his pockets.

“Hi.”

“Can I come in?” he asked.