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The viper has people willing to sacrifice their careers for her. There is more to know. I will find out, even if I have to break a few rules, they mean nothing to me anyway.
EMILIA
It’s been exactly two weeks since I was shot and I’m still on desk duty. Kade has finally let me join training and sparring today. I need to work off this energy, I haven’t been able to relax since Kade touched my skin. I can still feel him, the featherlight touch of his calloused hands against my ribs, the image in my head is making heat pool between my legs.
I need to stop thinking about him, nothing can happen for several reasons, the most crucial one being he absolutely despises me, and then there’s my circumstances which are very complex. I’ve been on high alert since Kade told Tom to fuck off. I haven’t seen Tom since that day, but it doesn’t mean he hasn’t been there, he’s everywhere and every move I make is being parroted back to my father anyway.
Cyrus and Kade are pairing everyone up for sparring and I hear my name being matched with Bree. I cannot wait for this. She has been eyeing me wrong ever since I came here, it’s time she learns what I can do. “Bree and Emilia, you’re up” Cyrus bellows from the side wall where he and Kade are observing. I walk towards the mat in the centre of the hall and shake everything loose. Bree’s outfit leaves nothing to the imagination, she’s wearing a bright pink sports bra that barely contains her breasts and gym leggings that scrunch in between her ass cheeks to make it look bigger. Her bleached-blonde hair is in a high ponytail, she whips it behind her as she glances at Kade and bats her eyelashes at him. I’m going to really enjoy this.
I observe her movements, calculating where she is going to strike before she does. I make sure I anticipate every move. I start on the defensive, I want to give her the impression that she is going to be victorious. She strikes, I block, every time until she says over her heavy breathing “Kade is probably the best I have ever had, he is so big he barely fits inside me. I mean you would know right? Oh no, that’s right he hates your guts.” she chuckles maniacally. She’s baiting me but I won’t fall for it. She leaves her right side open and I take full advantage, kicking out with my leg until I make contact with her ribs. She roars in frustration as she tries to strike my face with her fist but I dodge at the last second and laugh. “You know Bree, the only reason he had you, was because you spread your legs to anyone with a penis.” I try and wind her up to make her movements clumsy, but the damage is already done. She leaves herself completely unguarded, so I punch her in the stomach until she doubles over. I strike her head with my knee next for good measure. Kade calls out, ‘Hey, no head shots!” So I play innocent and say, “My bad.”
Bree decides to take the short break to inhale as much oxygen as she can, but she uses this to wind me up even more “At least he’s been inside me, he wouldn’t even touch you if his life depended on it. You’re disgusting, who knows where you’ve been.” I snap, I run towards her, plant both hands on the floor and flip until my legs land on her shoulders and my feet hook behind her neck. Then I shift my body weight backwards, forcing my legs forward to slam her down to the mat so I’m straddling her shoulders. I manage to get my right leg around her neck and I squeeze as hard as I can cutting off her air supply. “For your information, I’m not a slut like you. There are no concerns as to where my body parts have been. I’d hate to think what people catch from you.” I don’t let up; I keep my hold on her neck until she taps my leg twice in yield.
I can hear clapping; I see Cass and Cara on the sideline cheering and laughing “She deserves to be taken down a peg or two.” Cara declares. This coming from the shy girl who doesn’t normally speak to people unless she is forced to.
I even get a clap from Cyrus. He taps me on the shoulder “If you didn’t do it, I would have sooner or later. I don’t know what he was thinking fucking her, I’d rather cut my own dick off.” I can’t contain the laughter. I like Cyrus, he might come across as quite scary, being a giant, but he’s funny and has been nothing but kind to me since I started with the unit. Unlike some people. “She still wants him, you can see it in the desperate way she looks at him.” Cyrus laughs and exclaims “I think he has his eye on someone else now anyway, she’ll get over it.” My traitorous brain, I’m not jealous at all, I don’t feel anything for the asshole. Cyrus must see my change in expression when I see Tom walk into the hall and stand next to Kade, I can feel the panic rising in my chest, bile slowly travelling up my throat threatening to escape. “Are you alright?” Cyrus is showing genuine concern for me. Luckily Cass and Cara catch on and take me out of the hall and into a bathroom to ride out the attack.
“Emilia slow your breathing—in and out.” Normally Cass’s voice is enough for me to come out of the panic, but it’s not enough this time. I’m fighting for air, I’m suffocating from the inside. I have to let it pass. I have to breathe. I can do this, don’t let your past ruin everything that you are. I try and tell myself this every time I have an attack and it does help but it’s not the truth. I’m letting my past take over because I’m trying to protect those I love. I can’t let Kade find out, I need more time to sort this myself. I just need a bit more time but I fear Kade is going to ruin everything. Not just the situation but my whole life, my heart included.
KADE
Iknow a PTSD attack when I see one. I would often need to calm down agents whilst on complex missions to eliminate a target. The sound of a gunshot, the smell of smoke or even a phrase someone had said at the time could trigger an attack. After one bad mission in the Middle East, we lost an agent. I had at least one attack every day until I reached out for help. It took a lot for me to admit I needed the help, it was a weakness, one I was not willing to accept. That was until I nearly killed Cyrus during one of the attacks, I thought he was trying to kill me and couldn’t see logic. I knew then I needed help and I now have coping mechanisms I use when I have one. I don’t have them anymore but I fear it’ll only take one trigger to set one off. As soon as I saw the little viper’s chest heaving, the sweat building up her throat and her eyes as wide as a cornered animal’s, I knew exactly what she was enduring. I consider going to her, but Cass already makes to usher her out of the hall. It makes me wonder what kind of relationship they have. Great, now I’m jealous of Cass, this is getting out of hand.
Tom faces me but I refuse to give him any attention or eye contact. “I don’t appreciate how you look at her, she’s mine and you are not to touch her or even talk to her if I don’t want you to, is that understood?” Tom enunciates every word as a command but what he fails to comprehend is that I don’t take orders from him and I certainly don’t respect him.
“Funny, you say she’s yours; you practically state your claim on her every time we speak. Yet she has just dropped Breanna like she was nothing and almost rendered her unconscious at the thought of Bree and I fucking, so ask yourself Tom, is she really yours?” I smirk at him full of smugness and arrogance, I know this pisses him off and I’m all too happy to oblige him. I heard every word Bree was using to get a reaction from Emilia and it worked, she snapped, it was very enlightening.
“This will not end well for you Kade if you touch what is mine. It will not end well for Emilia either, I’ll make sure of it.” That’s the point in the conversation when I snap “You listen very carefully for what I’m about to say because I’m not fond of repeating myself, it’s tiresome…I don’t take kindly to threats to myself, but threats to my unit, which now includes Emilia, I do not tolerate. If I hear any indication of you laying a hand on her, I will not hesitate to cut your dick off and feed it to you, is that understood?” He turns on his heel in a huff of air and stalks out of the hall.
I try and find Emilia after that, but she’s nowhere to be found, neither are Cass or Cara. I was hoping she might open up more if I can show her how to deal with attacks. I don’t know why I care, I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about her but I know I can’t delude myself into thinking I still hate her. I don’t think I ever truly hated her. She is not what I expected and I intend to get to know her. The darkness surrounds her, like it’s trying to offer her comfort, but she doesn’t have to live in it, not all the time, not now that I’m going to find out exactly why she’s engulfed by it.
EMILIA
Cass’s place is soothing, light fills it like it’s trying to snuff out the shadows. It is basic, but it’s cozy. A small kitchen which is open plan with living area and a small bedroom set off to the side. The layout is similar to mine, but he doesn’t have an unwanted guest break in at least once a week. He doesn’t have to change the locks at least 28 times in the last year and he doesn’t get attacked in his sleep. The small things in life get taken for granted.
Cara and myself are sat on one of the couches and Cass is in a small chair to the side of the TV. Evenings like this are why I keep going, it’s a breath of fresh air, it’s like the sea air, soothing with relief. “What’s going on between you and Kade? Before you say nothing, we know it’s not nothing so spill.” Cass isn’t tactful in the way he retrieves information, he is ruthless and straight to the point. It’s one of the reasons I admire him, we always know where each other stand.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. He hates me and I hate him, it’s a simple mutual hatred relationship.” Cara glares at me and rolls her eyes, almost to the point where I’m worried they’re going to get lost behind her head.
“You deserve to be happy Em. If you have feelings for him, do something about it. As for him hating you. You know that is not true, have you seen the way he looks at you? Plus he calls you ‘Little Viper’, come on Em, you’re not stupid.”
She is right, he does call me that and I have noticed a few glances lately that were not filled with the usual animosity. I can’t bring myself to think of a future, even if he doesn’t hate me, we could never be more than what we are right now, and they both know it.
“You both know I can’t do anything about anything, the last time I tried to do something, you nearly died Cara. I will not risk your safety again, I won’t.” I choke out.
“I think you need to tell Kade,” Cass announces. The astonishment on my face must be well received as he continues “he can be trusted, he’s been asking questions Em. He’s going to find out sooner or later, even Cyrus is poking around. They both have suspicions. They could help you, I can’t see you live like this another second Em, it’s torture for both me and Cara. You’re a sister to both of us and we look after family, but we’re powerless here. You need bigger players.”
“I’m not getting anyone else involved in this Cass. I’m not going to drag anyone else into this mess I’ve created.” Hoping I’ve dismissed the notion of getting Kade and Cyrus involved.
“You’ve created nothing, you can’t keep doing this. You think I can’t see what it’s doing to you?” Cass exclaims. Cara glances over me with tears in her eyes “Em please, you used to glow do you know that? You used to have this angelic light around you and now your eyes are sunken, and you barely smile or laugh. You’re not you anymore. We love you with everything we have and we will not lose you, you continue to fight day in and day out. You’re not broken Em.”
“Aren’t I? You both think I have a choice in this? You honestly think I want any of this? I’m treading water where the only outcome in any of this is to drown. I have no power, I am nothing, I will always be nothing. Do not assume you know everything. I keep a great deal from you both as to not upset you. You have no idea what I endure every day of my miserable life. Do not talk to me about fighting, it is all I know and all I have done for years. I’m tired… so tired,” I whimper.
They both shuffle over to me and hold me in an embrace so tight it threatens to restrict air, but I don’t complain. I shouldn’t have snapped like that, it’s not their fault they can’t help me. “Please, you guys are the only reason I keep going. I need you both on my side, please,” I choke.
“We will always be on your side, no question,” Cara declares before Cass’s authority returns. “But don’t expect us to sit and watch your decline, if you won’t tell Kade or Cyrus, then something else needs to be in play because I’m not doing this anymore. I will not watch you become a shell of yourself. Just consider it, Kade cares for you, you may not see it but we both do.” He gestures towards Cara and she nods in agreement. “I’ll consider it, Cass.” He releases an exhale full of relief.
The truth is, I considered telling Kade but I already know I can’t. It would put a target on his back and as much as I say I hate him, I don’t. I won’t bring any unnecessary danger to anyone else; it’s bad enough Cass and Cara are involved. It’s becoming more apparent that I can’t outrun my past. The threat of becoming stuck in it forever is all consuming, suffocating, unending. I will never voice this thought aloud but it’s becoming harder to keep fighting. I am not living, I’m trying to survive.
