Page 58

Ander

I have no idea what I’m supposed to do as I stare at my phone ringing in my hand. It’s Nikolai. I want nothing more than to answer it, yet for some reason, I can’t get my thumb to swipe right on the goddamn screen.

“Are you gonna answer that or what?” Tavish asks from his bed. He’s watching some reality show I have no interest in that apparently his wife loves. I don’t think Tavish likes it either, but he does like being able to talk to her about it when we’re on the road. I’ve sat in the room with him enough this season that I’m even able to keep up with the drama.

“Ahh, yeah…” I say, looking around. This isn’t really the best place for me to take this call though, so I let it continue to ring.

“You don’t want to keep your man waiting,” Tavish says. There’s a touch of impatience in his voice.

“Right,” I say, and continue to let it ring.

“What? Do you need some privacy or something?” Tavish flips his hands up at me. “Just answer it, I’m not going to eavesdrop.”

I glare at him. That’s exactly what he’s going to do. It’s what we all do on the road while sharing rooms and spending twenty-four hours a day with each other.

“Much.”

“That’s what I thought,” I say as my phone blissfully silences and sends Nikolai to voicemail. I rise from my seat and pocket my phone as I walk to the door. “I’m just gonna go find someplace quiet.”

He smirks at me. “You mean private.”

“That too.” I laugh as I leave.

Once in the hall, I don’t know where to go. But I also know I can’t hold out any longer. My heart is racing, I can hear it pumping in my ears, and I know for sure that the only thing that will keep it from pounding out of my chest is Nikolai’s voice. No matter what, he’s always able to calm me down.

But then again, that was before he became the reason for the anxiety racing through me. Regardless, even if this newfound revelation about myself does have me sweating, my stomach feeling like it’s falling through the floor, it’s worth a shot to see if Nikolai can still be what soothes me.

“Hello,” he says, answering after the first ring.

“Hey, sorry I missed your call,” I say. My words, my heart, my feet on the industrial carpet lining this hall are all moving at high speed. “I couldn’t answer it right away. Tavish was in the room watching some reality show that his wife likes and it’s not the best place for me to answer a call, because there’s no privacy on the road and the team dinner is already over and I’m just trying to find a place to talk with you that doesn’t have anybody around.”

“Ander,” Nikolai says, his voice firm and even. “Breathe, please.”

Right. Air. I need air. That’s actually a good call. I hit the down button to call the elevator and take a deep breath, then let out a slow exhale.

“Better?” he asks.

“Yes,” I say as my heart calms down and my lungs expand with another deep breath. Already, with only four words, he’s helped me slow down the speeding train I felt like I was on. “Sorry. I was rambling. I’m feeling off today.”

“Just today?” Nikolai asks, a hint of teasing to his voice.

“More so than usual,” I say as the elevator door opens. I step in then press the button for the second floor. There’s a bar on that floor that opens up to an outdoor area where no one will be sitting due to the cold.

“You do not strike me as someone who has ever felt off,” Nikolai says. “Unbothered has always been my impression of you.”

“If that was the case,” I say with a slight laugh in my voice, “then my season wouldn’t have been off to such a disastrous start. I’d say bothered is exactly what I was.” And still am. Except now it’s for an entirely different reason.

“We all have slow starts now and again,” Nikolai says. “But I also understand. When you are not playing to your standard, it is hard.”

“Exactly.” I sigh. The elevator opens and I get off, then head through the bar and make my way to the outdoor area without looking at any of the other people milling around, drinking their cocktails.

“But you are playing better now, yes? That is how I see it.”

“I have been,” I admit as I take a seat as far away from the door as I can. There’s a nice table here practically in the shadows where I can hide. Because hiding like a coward is what I feel like doing right now. Maybe in the dark where no one can see me unless they’re looking for me will help me be more honest with myself about this predicament I find myself in. “But I’m terrified of it slipping away again.”

“It might.”

“You’re supposed to be helping.”