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“Sean’s upset with me.” I sigh, exasperated. We always go through the same motions; we fight and then we have to make up.

“What’d you do?” His voice is gruff. “Aren’t you guys together now?”

“I guess.” I chug the rest of my champagne.

“You guess? Sounds like you guys need to talk about what you are. It seems like he already knows,” he says through a cough.

I thought we had already talked about what we were. But I guess we didn't. I made it all up in my head. The only thing we did was sleep together. I thought that solved everything, but once again I’m emotionally turbulent.

“Am I a bad person, Dad?” I ask, afraid of the answer.

“Of course not.” He pulls me in a side hug, kissing my forehead. “You are trying to get a grip on your new life. That’s not something that can be done in a couple of weeks. It takes time to heal.”

He knows where I’m coming from because he feels it himself. He feels it every day. We’re more alike than I’d like to admit. I get my emotional damage from him.

“What do I keep doing wrong?”

“I think maybe you should ask him that. You haven’t necessarily had the best influences when it comes to relationships—I know it’s hard to let people in. Especially after doing so and then getting your heart broken, but Sean won’t do that to you. He’s a good one. Just go talk to him. Fix it,” he urges, nodding his head toward the back door where Sean exited.

“Let’s hope I don’t screw it up even more.”

“You’ll do fine. Just tell him the truth.”

I head to the sliding glass door. My dad’s fire pit lights in the back of the yard, with Sean’s silhouette sitting behind it.

I walk carefully on the gravel, so as not to trip in the darkness. When I finally reach him, he’s staring into the flames with me above him, not moving an inch.

“What just happened in there?” I ask with a sigh.

“Things are still the same as they’ve always been. You just can’t let me in—can you?” His eyes painfully pierce into mine.

“I have let you in,” I groan. “I don’t even know what we’re fighting about.”

“For one night. You let me have you for one night, and now we’re back to you not letting me touch you.”

I’ve never been good at relationships. I don’t really know how to do this.

“If this is about us sleeping together, then that’s—” I say, stiffening.

“My goodness, Billie! It’s not about the physical actions—you just don’t get it!” He stands quickly, his mouth spread into a thin-lipped line. He grinds the words out between his teeth. “You’re still playing the same old games.”

“I’m not playing any games, Sean.”

“Yes, you are! Do you know how hard this has all been for me? Once again, letting you decide what our relationship is,” he says, his voice becoming raw. “I make jokes about it. I flirt—but deep down I just want you to give in to me. For once in your life, just give me what I want. I’m done doing things your way,” he says, exasperated.

Confrontation has never been my strong suit. My fingers tingle beside me.

When Graham and I would fight, I’d push too hard. I’d be too forward and too emotional. That’s what he’d always repeat to me.

You’re too emotional, Billie.

Everything inside me flipped—when I used to be with Sean, I didn’t have enough feelings. Then I became too much. Now, I don’t know who I am. If I feel too much or too little.

“What do you want, Billie? Because I’ve made it abundantly clear how I feel.” He leans down to meet my eye level, his gaze filled with despair.

My eyes are filling with tears.

What do I want? What do I want?